Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Suitorette Number Two

Let’s see… what sexy things can I tell you about myself? Well, cheese and tater tots tie for my favorite foods of all time (Ow ow! Right boys?), and I write Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes. Bloggers, you see, are like when Halloween costumes turn a mundane profession into something that’s hot shit. Just think of me as a journalist, but my business suit happens to be assless and comes with fishnets and tranny make-up.

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?

Eric Godard doesn’t lose fights… that’s how he earned his hockey boyfriendship. But, if for some reason the planets align and he gets a whooping, well, I guess I’ll sit with him while he recovers, but we’re watching all six seasons of sex and the city back to back… and he’s going to like it. Or just develop a drinking problem.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

It depends…does this Segway ride you speak of come with an Ovechkin ride as well?

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

Pretty much true. But if I can give advice on doing them all start with the youngest and work your way up. It will be less disappointing that way.

The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister?

Heyyy, there is two of us (winks)… and some advice on my sister… Fuck with her cat and you don’t have a chance in hell.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

False. I think my entire ass equals about one cheek of Sidney’s. Maybe. On a fat day.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Stiff and straight. Every time. Sidney Crosby also likes his stick stiff and straight. Match made in hockey heaven?

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

I have no plan… except that he’s on top. When Mario Lemieux walks in, it’s going to be his bare ass in the air and not mine.

Pierre McGuire

a) looks like a penis

b) is a penis

c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.

d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

e) All of the above.

The first time I saw him “Oh look… they have a penis wearing a little head set. I wonder why… Oh Jesus make it stop talking…”

Todd Bertuzzi is.... deserving of ass cancer.

High heels at games; yes or no

That’s like asking “Herpes. Yes or No?”

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Only if he grows me a mullet. I have a royal flush of bitch cards on this one.

Don Cherry is....

a. full of shit

b. composed entirely of shit

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he

a) gay

b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.

c) he's only doing it for funsies

If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

Is this the same boyfriend that wants the jersey that I hate? What am I thinking dating this guy? Goddamn I pick winners. That’s it. We’re over. I’m breaking up with him, and you can find me at Club Diesel where I plan to find a drunken Pittsburgh Penguin, knock him out, and drag him home with me caveman style. Max Talbot, I’m talking to you.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

What a coincidence, this is how my hockey porno starts. (see last question) So he says “you wanna go?” and I say “With oat a doat” Foreplay is over when one of use looses balance and we both fall down on the ice. Er, carpet.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Remember the dildos that rained down on the ice in Sweden? All mine. So, yeah. I bring them with me in droves.

What? I have needs…

And really, it’s a nice plan B just incase the date doesn’t work out.

“Right. I’m sorry to hear about your battle with athlete’s foot. You know what? I’m ‘going to the bathroom.’ I’ll be back.. eventually.. “

I like my goalies....

a. standing up

b. buttery

c. hybrid

d. on their back

Standing up before scoring, on his back after.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Five for Fucking. Me, Eric Goddard, the penalty box. The goal sirens go off at an opportune moment. Like the hockey players say, when you’re done, you need those five minutes. My video will be no different.


wrap around curl said...

The Swedish dildo response had me laughing the hardest.

I guess it means I need to get mine done, huh?

Cotter said...

"That’s like asking “Herpes. Yes or No?”

A thousand times, yes!

Vern said...

Herpes builds character, just like Asians built all of our railroads.