Monday, October 27, 2008

Suitor Number Two.

Ladies, meet Vern from You Lay on the Ice Like a Broad. Your ass might be cold, but it will be oh so worth it.


Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

I have not. And I have not been tested. However, if I give you HIV I will sincerely apologize in advance.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

I'm not sure as I don't really study his anatomy that closely, but I bet that it is. True.

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

9.5. Would have been a 10 when I was younger, back in the days. I still hold the school record in the sit and reach for St. Bernadette's K-8 by at least 3 inches. It's not the only record I hold by at least 3 inches in that school, either.

Your stick is: wood or composite

Composite, as this curve is probably more than league rules allow.

Sarah Palin is......

a. destroying hockey

b. using it for political gain

c. I'd tap that

(note: C will result in application denial)

I don't care if it results in application denial, I'd bang Sarah Palin strictly for the notoriety. That and the fact that I'd tap anything that walks and breathes and has a vagina. So I guess what I'm saying is I'd fuck Vince Young.

Don Cherry is....

a. full of shit

b. composed entirely of shit

I wish he would wear a suit that was red, green and pink and covered in smallpox.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

Top shelf. For the cameras. And because I like BJs.

High heels at games; yes or no

The only person allowed to wear high heels at games is Chris Osgood because it makes him truly feel like princess that he is.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?

It depends. If I am trying to act like a whiny little bitch then there is no way that I can top him. He is like the Tupac Shakur of being a fucking douche.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your "soff" ass. How much do you love me?

I'd make sure to pull out, put it on your face, and criticize the refs.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

Yes, but I replace the number on the back with a giant penis.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

I'd certainly drop the gloves. And by gloves I mean protection. If you want it raw then you get it raw.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Yes, but just to keep from playing with myself.

Boys, you're walking down the street and Sean Avery criticizes your girlfirend's outfit. you a) say, "Well you know what, Sean? That belt is SO last season!" b) should have bought her the Alyssa Milano outfit she asked for c) Wave anything you have in his face to distract him while she runs

I would try to think real quick of an appropriate response but by the time I did I'd look down and he'd already be trying to blow me.


a girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?

I would tell her to take it off, partly because it's a pretty gay jersey. But mainly because she should show me her tits. At that point, she can tell me all about Rocket Richard while she's giving me an HJ.

you're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

Is this even a question? Does she have oral herpes? If not, I'm certainly taking the blow. But either way, Obama and McCain would both be jealous of the jobs I'd be creating.

4 comments:

wrap around curl said...

I take it you will be picking up Nailin' Paylin?

Vern said...

I saw some screenshots and that chick's tits look like spoiled cantaloupes.

Cotter said...

Vern is a true American hero. A maverick.

I want to be just like him when I grow up.

Vern said...

For the sake of this exercise, I really should have replaced "Vince Young" with "Eric Lindros".