Suitorette Number Two

Let’s see… what sexy things can I tell you about myself? Well, cheese and tater tots tie for my favorite foods of all time (Ow ow! Right boys?), and I write Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes. Bloggers, you see, are like when Halloween costumes turn a mundane profession into something that’s hot shit. Just think of me as a journalist, but my business suit happens to be assless and comes with fishnets and tranny make-up.

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?

Eric Godard doesn’t lose fights… that’s how he earned his hockey boyfriendship. But, if for some reason the planets align and he gets a whooping, well, I guess I’ll sit with him while he recovers, but we’re watching all six seasons of sex and the city back to back… and he’s going to like it. Or just develop a drinking problem.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

It depends…does this Segway ride you speak of come with an Ovechkin ride as well?

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

Pretty much true. But if I can give advice on doing them all start with the youngest and work your way up. It will be less disappointing that way.

The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister?

Heyyy, there is two of us (winks)… and some advice on my sister… Fuck with her cat and you don’t have a chance in hell.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

False. I think my entire ass equals about one cheek of Sidney’s. Maybe. On a fat day.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Stiff and straight. Every time. Sidney Crosby also likes his stick stiff and straight. Match made in hockey heaven?

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

I have no plan… except that he’s on top. When Mario Lemieux walks in, it’s going to be his bare ass in the air and not mine.

Pierre McGuire

a) looks like a penis

b) is a penis

c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.

d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

e) All of the above.

The first time I saw him “Oh look… they have a penis wearing a little head set. I wonder why… Oh Jesus make it stop talking…”

Todd Bertuzzi is.... deserving of ass cancer.

High heels at games; yes or no

That’s like asking “Herpes. Yes or No?”

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Only if he grows me a mullet. I have a royal flush of bitch cards on this one.

Don Cherry is....

a. full of shit

b. composed entirely of shit

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he

a) gay

b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.

c) he's only doing it for funsies

If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

Is this the same boyfriend that wants the jersey that I hate? What am I thinking dating this guy? Goddamn I pick winners. That’s it. We’re over. I’m breaking up with him, and you can find me at Club Diesel where I plan to find a drunken Pittsburgh Penguin, knock him out, and drag him home with me caveman style. Max Talbot, I’m talking to you.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

What a coincidence, this is how my hockey porno starts. (see last question) So he says “you wanna go?” and I say “With oat a doat” Foreplay is over when one of use looses balance and we both fall down on the ice. Er, carpet.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Remember the dildos that rained down on the ice in Sweden? All mine. So, yeah. I bring them with me in droves.

What? I have needs…

And really, it’s a nice plan B just incase the date doesn’t work out.

“Right. I’m sorry to hear about your battle with athlete’s foot. You know what? I’m ‘going to the bathroom.’ I’ll be back.. eventually.. “

I like my goalies....

a. standing up

b. buttery

c. hybrid

d. on their back

Standing up before scoring, on his back after.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Five for Fucking. Me, Eric Goddard, the penalty box. The goal sirens go off at an opportune moment. Like the hockey players say, when you’re done, you need those five minutes. My video will be no different.

Suitor Number Six.

Ladies ladies ladies...I have a goalie for you. Eyebleaf over at Sports in the City also is a netminder. Look at him stretchhhhh. I am just dying to know his current saves percentage.




Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Nope, I'm more of a Reese Witherspoon kind of guy. I'm off the puck bunnies, huge.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
I don't know about bigger, but my ass is definitely nicer. And Crosby's a douche.

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
9.95. I'm a goalie, flexibility is my shtick. I'm like a mother fuckin gymnast. Minus the tights, of course.

Your stick is: wood or composite
Wood. Those composites are a little too, what shall I say, unreliable. My shaft never breaks.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)
A. Destroying hockey, and the Republican Party. But, and it pains me to say this, she's still kind of a GILF.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
All of the above. Cherry's xenophobic act is growing a bit tired. Europeans have feelings too, you know.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Both. I aim to please.

High heels at games; yes or no
High heels and a jersey at the game: No. High heels and a jersey in the bedroom: Yes.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
Derek Roy ain't shit. I'll show you the meaning of a ten-minute misconduct for "unsportsmanlike conduct."

My dad is Michel Therrien. He says he wants to meet your "soff" ass. How much do you love me?
When I'm done with Michel, he'll be calling me "Dad."

Boys, you're walking down the street and Sean Avery criticizes your girlfirend's outfit. you
a) say, "Well you know what, Sean? That belt is SO last season!"
b) should have bought her the Alyssa Milano outfit she asked for
c) Wave anything your hand in his face to distract him while she runs away
d) ask him if Cuthbert gave him the herp
e) call him fatso and refuse to shake his hand
F. Ask him to drop the gloves. We all know pretty boy Avery is nothing but a mouth.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Absolutely not. Sorry love, but a man can only be so flexible (see answer to question 3).

Your girlfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
First of all, she'd only have to ask me once. Then I'd hit the lights, and the music. I'd then proceed to score like Wayne Gretzky in 81/82. A performance for the record books, you know? They don't call it "the fastest game on earth" for no reason.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Nope. I'm all the "toys" you need, honey.

Suitor Number Five.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. I have a treat for you. Meet Cotter from One For The Other Thumb. He's a Pittsburgh Steelers blogger who has hockey ingrained in him from his former days as a player. The beautiful Zamboni Harmony banner you see at the top of the page was his creation (which obviously highlights qualities such as compassion, giving, sharing, talent), and this boy has skills that extend beyond the rink and the blogosphere and probably into the bedroom as well. Give him a read. Then take a moment to droll over the best zamboni photoshop you've ever had the privilege of viewing.  

Here's Cotter as Hansel. 

And just when you think you couldn't take any more adorable.. here he is as a baby, doing what we all do best. 

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

Yes and NO. But that’s just all part of the excitement, isn’t it?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's

Whose? Yours or mine? Wait, I’m confused. Negative, I do not assess the size of other dudes’ asses.

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

I’m somewhere between J.S. Giguere and Felix Potvin.

Your stick is: wood or composite

This is seriously a question?!?! Uh, wood. Everybody knows composite is for 10 year olds and douchebags who wear ITECH cages.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that (note: C will result in application denial)

I’m gonna go with “D. Some crazy bitch from Russia.” But that’s only because C was removed as an option. 

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

C. All of the above...and he’s also a student of the Elton John School of Wardrobe design. 

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

I’m an equal opportunity scorer. I like to mix it up. Sometimes I even throw in a low glove side sneak attack. It’s all just part of the mystique.

High heels at games; yes or no

Ok, again, am I wearing the heels or are you? If me, yes. If you...wait, what? Are you naked or clothed?

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?

I fancy myself more of a Sean Avery. But sure. Whatever.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soft ass. How much do you love me?

Sweetheart, please. I was showing Michel Therrien what was what before you were even out of diapers. I’ve got that dude eating out of my hand like Bambi. Also, it’s strange that he’d call my ass “soft.” He said it was quite firm when he grabbed it.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

Hell no. Custom jerseys fucking suck. I’d get her a Ron Francis. Now THAT’S a jersey!

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

Are you trying to seduce me? You vixen, you! It’s a shame that I am impervious to your advances. [Emoticon winking]

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

What kind of toys are we talking? I mean, I’d definitely want my Thundercats action figures. That’s non-negotiable.

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she knows about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
Yes. This situation has “Too Good To Be True” written all over it. Does she also talk to herself and sometimes inanimate objects just a little too much? Next question. 

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

Honestly, is this a joke? I’d accept a blow job whilst I was clearing the ice for the 3rd period. Zamboni head is the new black. DUH!

Suitor Number Four.

Next up for the ladies we a representative of The Pensblog. If this isn’t a true renaissance man, I don’t know what is. I’m thinking rose petals and bubble baths lined with candles… nobody romances it up like the Penguins fans.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

No to the Cuthberts and Duffs.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

False

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

1

Your stick is: wood or composite

composite

Sarah Palin is...

a. destroying hockey

b. using it for political gain

c. I'd tap that 

(note: C will result in application denial)

Don Cherry is....

a. full of shit

b. composed entirely of shit

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

Top shelf

High heels at games; yes or no

No high heels

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?

No to Derek Roy

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soff ass. How much do you love me?

Love you a lot.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

Buy the jersey for her then burn the house down.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

I would beat the crap out of her.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

No to the toys.

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?

In that case, she could be wearing a jersey comprised with feces.  It wouldn't matter.  She would be attractive.

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

Hand job, 'cause she might kiss her kids good night with that mouth.

Suitor Number Three.

Alright ladiessssss. Suitor number three is commenter Baughb. Never heard of him? Well he is a bit shy. Here is a picture of him. That my face is cropped into. Clearly, he has access to my facebook. Anyways, here is his survey for you to cruise.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Yes. I also had a thing w/ Marty B's daughter to spite him.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

True. However I am not Gary Bettman's secret child

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

Negative 7 off ice. Somewhere around an 8 on the ice. I have a pretty wicked butterfly stance.

Your stick is: wood or composite

Whichever you'd like. I normally wrap my wood in composite.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that

(note: C will result in application denial)

- B. She was booed. It was amazing.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

C. Who I wanted to be for Halloween

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

Five hole. I like the wrap around if shes dirty enough.

High heels at games; yes or no

I love the sound of heels (weird I know), so acceptable at all times if you can walk in them.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?

No. But I can go down like Sid the Kid (no homo)

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soft ass. How much do you love me?

More then you could imagine.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?

Yes. As long as she likes said person for a legit reason. Like cool hair.

Your girlfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

I'd tell her what I was aboot to do, ya know, and say "Take off eh" in referene to her toque. And then... you know.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Only if she brought hers too.

Suitorette Number One.

All right gents, here is your chance to peek into the mind of Loser Domi. Domi is good with the words putting her beloved Maple Leafs in madcap adventures. I think that is what the kids are calling it these days. Can you win her over? Or does her heart belong to Matt Stajan?


Domi's the one on the right, naturally.



Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health? Is he badly injured? Did he hurt the other guy as well? Was he a large man taking on a tiny rookie? These factors come into play.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways? Only if they have flames on the sides

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all? I'd feel awkward doing more than one--afraid I'd yell out another one's name or something (assuming they could do that)

The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister? She doesn't really like hockey so I'd assume no

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.I'm a twig, so false

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance. They say variety is the spice of life...

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD. I'm not sure how to answer this question. Get it done with Mario Lemieux? Ewwwww. Besides, everyone knows you get the hot bitches with Oreos, Wine collers and Superbad, not champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.


Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."
e) looks like a turtle
E, looks like a turtle.

Todd Bertuzzi is....GOING TO EAT ME AHHHHH! SAVE ME!

High heels at games; yes or no. Maybe. Depends where you're sitting. Maybe lower heels (1-3 inch), to give lift without looking like a total whore

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey? I buy him a Ron Popeill food dehydrator! Those things are awesome!


Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
A, full of shit

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies


If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month? I don't even own a Cher CD, so I'm assuming it's his


Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that. By Canadian, you don't mean Quebecois, do you? that's just a total turn off for me. I'd probbaly ask "uhhhh...go where?"

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya? My fucking toys or my normal toys? I may not bring them on a dtae but to a game...maybe


I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back
C, hybrid

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?
Oh Gods, there are so many possibilities here....my brain's on Three Stooges mode...DICK JOKE

Suitor Number Two.

Ladies, meet Vern from You Lay on the Ice Like a Broad. Your ass might be cold, but it will be oh so worth it.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

I have not. And I have not been tested. However, if I give you HIV I will sincerely apologize in advance.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

I'm not sure as I don't really study his anatomy that closely, but I bet that it is. True.

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

9.5. Would have been a 10 when I was younger, back in the days. I still hold the school record in the sit and reach for St. Bernadette's K-8 by at least 3 inches. It's not the only record I hold by at least 3 inches in that school, either.

Your stick is: wood or composite

Composite, as this curve is probably more than league rules allow.

Sarah Palin is......

a. destroying hockey

b. using it for political gain

c. I'd tap that

(note: C will result in application denial)

I don't care if it results in application denial, I'd bang Sarah Palin strictly for the notoriety. That and the fact that I'd tap anything that walks and breathes and has a vagina. So I guess what I'm saying is I'd fuck Vince Young.

Don Cherry is....

a. full of shit

b. composed entirely of shit

I wish he would wear a suit that was red, green and pink and covered in smallpox.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

Top shelf. For the cameras. And because I like BJs.

High heels at games; yes or no

The only person allowed to wear high heels at games is Chris Osgood because it makes him truly feel like princess that he is.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?

It depends. If I am trying to act like a whiny little bitch then there is no way that I can top him. He is like the Tupac Shakur of being a fucking douche.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your "soff" ass. How much do you love me?

I'd make sure to pull out, put it on your face, and criticize the refs.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

Yes, but I replace the number on the back with a giant penis.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

I'd certainly drop the gloves. And by gloves I mean protection. If you want it raw then you get it raw.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Yes, but just to keep from playing with myself.

Boys, you're walking down the street and Sean Avery criticizes your girlfirend's outfit. you a) say, "Well you know what, Sean? That belt is SO last season!" b) should have bought her the Alyssa Milano outfit she asked for c) Wave anything you have in his face to distract him while she runs

I would try to think real quick of an appropriate response but by the time I did I'd look down and he'd already be trying to blow me.

a girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?

I would tell her to take it off, partly because it's a pretty gay jersey. But mainly because she should show me her tits. At that point, she can tell me all about Rocket Richard while she's giving me an HJ.

you're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

Is this even a question? Does she have oral herpes? If not, I'm certainly taking the blow. But either way, Obama and McCain would both be jealous of the jobs I'd be creating.

Suitor Number One.

Zamboni Harmony was created on a whim October 26 2008 with the intent of allowing hockey fans to make love connections. Actually, it was more so me sending Lori a link for Zombie Harmony and she read it too fast and thought it said Zamboni. Thus, this survey for funsies was born.


Filling out the first dating survey we have Jared of London of Die Hard Blue and White. Jared can also be found on StudlyDefensemen.com. Despite being an avid bacon enthusiast, Jared stays in tip top form. Just what are you in for?



Let's get down to the questions.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
No thank you, Christina Hendricks or nothing....o.k. Maybe Angelina Jolie. Crap, which way to the free clinic?


True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Not anymore! Thanks to the Rod 'The Bod' Brind'Amour's new platinum diet and workout program I've lost an astounding 27 pounds! Thanks Rod!
Oh yeah....False.


Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
5, I'm a Curtis Joseph coming cold into the the shoot out level of bendy.

Your stick is: wood or composite?
Wood, nothing beats a nice stiff shaft for scoring through the five hole.


Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)

D. Not relevant to my ignorant Canadian ass.


Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

You take that back! Don Cherry is a saint, a delusional, amnesiac, colour blind saint!

You like to go: top shelf or five hole?

I'm not a sniper, I'm a power forward who likes to crash the net, I'll take goals any way I can get em.


High heels at games; yes or no
No, they make my feet hurt, but make my legs look FABULOUS!


Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
Denzel has nothing on Roy, I'm more in the Bryan McCabe "there is no man behind the curtain" acting.


My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your "soff" ass. How much do you love me?
Tie down my jersey and get out the mouth guard, I ain't afraid of no ghost.


Boys, you're walking down the street and Sean Avery criticizes your girlfirend's outfit. you
a) say, "Well you know what, Sean? That belt is SO last season!"
b) should have bought her the Alyssa Milano outfit she asked for
c) Wave anything your hand in his face to distract him while she runs away
d) ask him if Cuthbert gave him the herp
e) call him fatso and refuse to shake his hand

A then D, then take the woman out for ice cream.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
I would never date a Sens fan. It's against my religion.


Your girlfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Drop the gloves and jump her from behind like Todd Bertuzzi.


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Of course, the fun and games don't end on the ice

Something amazing is about to happen.