Monday, November 10, 2008

Suitor Number Nine.

Ladies, I found a man for you. You chicks have been fantastic, putting all the work in. And a few dudes showed up. Well more like I had to knock on some doors and be like, "Yo fill this out, ok?" And Puck one of the Melo admins decided he was down.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
All I have to say on the subject: Captivity, Embrace the Vampire, and not on your life.
Now, could you pass over Showgirls, I'm more on a Jessie Spano kick right now.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Of course my ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's! It doesn't get paid millions to be Mario's bitch.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
I rate my flexibility a 6, it's totally Mikael Tellqvist. You know I talk a good game, but no one comes to see me in Phoenix.

Your stick is: wood or composite
It's so Wood, baby!

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)

C. I'm looking to finance a Sarah Palin/Tina Fey as Sarah Palin bondage film where they play twins.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

c, composed of entirely space shit that comes from a planet we haven't discovered yet, but they're watching us. Don Cherry is just in our face to see if anyone calls him on it.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

Always go five hole, well, my dad used to say "always go glory hole," but that's for another summer camp survey I'm filling out.

High heels at games; yes or no
God no. If you fall while going up and down the stairs, I will probably laugh at you or chant "man down people!"

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I think I've got Gordon Bombay acting chops. Seriously, that was the world's weakest stick-to-the-knee action and he went down like a blonde in a porno. Only to get up, hang out with the school teacher and beat Iceland all in the same day.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
So Therrien, I'm only playing for Ron Wilson this year.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Yes, but I get to play the elusive "I get a threesome" card whenever I want that season. Repeat usage of the card will be determined by team and player and if you actually wear it out in public.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I nod slowly. We head for the door. I throw her an open ice check. She gets up. We fall madly in love while Foreigner is playing in the background. It was so meant to be.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Why not? I always wrap my hands in foil before I go out anyways.

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she knows just about everything about hockey. She is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
The pink jersey is the skeleton in her closet. I would generally offset the knowledge by singing Ace of Base. Because, really, it IS a beautiful life if you just seize the day.

You're at a hockey game and your team is losing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
Does she have a beer? I could totally use a beer at this point in the proceedings.

1 comment:

Vern said...

This one was good and deserves to have a comment on it.