Saturday, November 1, 2008

Suitor Number Eight

Ladies, meet Enviro-Rossi. I'll let this sexy beast over at the Suburban Rob Rossis explain his photo and then sweep you off your feet. 

"This picture is the newest fashion trend for the redneck urban male, a emergency weather radio chain necklace. Wind that thing up and bring in the hoes while you hear all you need to know about that upcoming winter weather advisory."
See, girls? An up to date forecast has never been sexier. Take it away, Enviro-Rossi...

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
I will just put it to you this way. I cannot watch that movie called 'Girl Next Door' with other people in the room. After watching that movie with the ultra hot Cuthbert, Kleenex and Johnson and Johnson stocks go sky high the next day, even in these tough economic times. Now I heard she is dating Avery, which makes my unhealthy imagination move towards Milano. That horrible vampire movie she was in (Hept-Rossi knows the title) is one of those movies where you just fast forward to the boobery and sex with vampire scenes.
As for venereal disease, in my masturbation backstory of Cuthbert and Milano, I am the one passing along the baggage to them.
True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
You know what's funny, and Hep-Rossi would back me up on this. I am a big dude with no ass. I affectionately call it 'the crack in my back.' Now in terms of circumference, I got him, but he got me on the z-axis.
Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
Used to be a 10 when I was still playing. Could put both legs behind my head until about age 25. Too bad only my hockey buds and gay friends were impressed with that skill. Then after falling off a Canadian strip club stage and tearing my knee up, that went down to one leg. That story, by the way, may be my crowning achievement and will probably be brought up at my Funeral by Hept-Rossi, GQ-Rossi, and/or Woody Boyd-Rossi. 
My current rating is still probably an 8 and for a 32 year old....that's not bad.

Your stick is: wood or composite
At this moment since my left knee doesn't bend and since I see about as well as Stevie Wonder, my stick is a Wii joystick for NHL 09. Now in my playing days, its was all about wood, especially Christian. Their goalie sticks are way better than the religion.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 
(note: C will result in application denial)
Whats funny to me is that Obama's intelligence is actually hurting him at his run for the Presidency, while this girls buffoonery is somehow endearing to the asses that say 'I want someone like me in the White House.' Her and her entire family needs to go away...somewhere dark...possibly including water and concrete.
Now that pregnant daughter of hers I may allow to go all 'Anastasia' after convincing me that is the right thing to do.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
B, in some lovely threads. You got to give it up for a guy that knows how ridiculous he looks by diverting your attention to his ridiculous suits. I would and have walked in such garb (i.e. Canada Salvation Armies are #1)

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
The Good Book says to attempt propagation only if times of bountiful crops for you will need more hands in the fields and more mouths at the dinner table. 
High heels at games; yes or no
High heels drive me crazy. Put a ball cap, a hockey jersey, stockings and high heels on Barbara Bush and I would probably fuck her. I just kid! (in my best mexican accent). Now high heels at games, only if I know what's coming after the game. Its always future sex first and safety second for Enviro-Rossi.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I don't know who the hell Derek Roy is. Is that Pat Roy's son who thinks he can play? Regardless if that's him or not, my entire life is Role Playing. For Lemieux's sake, I write a blog with possibly the worst grammatical brain on this earth. I am currently making a whole shit load of booze (20 gallons of dark beer and hard cider) with Wilson-Rossi and have taken it to a point where I am having Vinson-Rossi, Hep-Rossi comic book illustrator friend, drawing up logos......keep an eye out for the logo unvealing on the Suburban Rob Rossis blog in the near future. My entire life is fantansy (and yes, I spelled that right).

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
So much so that I will go back to my high school, and pull up records of when I was on the JV hockey team and was second on the team in penalty minutes as the goalie. I got thrown out of more games as a High School JV and V starting goalie than is probably allowed anymore in scolastic athletics. I think he would be impressed by that. 'Now Michael, get you Frenchie ass off the couch so that I can goon it up with your daughters spot.'

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?
A deal with have to be made for the purchase. Any time that team plays the Pens, its watch game while touching your toes time. This way, we can both watch the Pens beat the hell out of that team, while I beat that hell out of her 'five-hole' I think is what you called it. There would also be an added bonus. If the Pens are beating said team, its donky punch time.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
To Timmy Horton's I hope. We can get a dozen doughnuts eh? Then stop at the Beer Store for a case of Upper Canada Lauger. Then stop by Club Zanzibar for their Russian Ruellet condoms.....ahh yea...and the $0.75 Musk Cologne dispenser. Then it is off to accidental pregnancy. Thanks Canada!

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Would the world explode if I brought Hep-Rossi's Hansen figurines with me to the Pens game? I just am assuming you have them I right? Thats like Bizarro World. Now there is a older chick I would throw it to......Elaine. Did I even answer this question?

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
I look upon this girl as a project....has all the tools....just doesn't know how to use them. I would take her under my wing and start arranging the tools in a way that allows her to eventually let me tear that pink shirt right off of her at a game so that I may strangle a Flyers fan with it. Yea....I just got a boner thinking about that possibility 

 You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
How about a 'do two things at one time' girl. I always liked those chicks that go the extra mile and hand you off while blowing. That should be an option here and because of that I deme this question incomplete.

1 comment:

Hept-Rossi said...

In our little hockey world, I consider myself a third line player who works his ass off every night, chews up quality minutes, and chips in a goal every now and then. Enviro-Rossi is the upper line forward who can lollygag through an entire game then pop home the game winner after I dug the puck out from along the boards. So allow me to assist his ass with this survey:

The vampire Milano movie is entitled "Embrace of the Vampire". I believe Milano shows the goods in four different scenes in that movie. She also shares a little tit on tit time with a chick and does the three way dance with the same chick and a vampire. Now that is hot!

When Enviro hits a certain level of alcohol, his waist constricts and his pants somehow fall to the floor as if they weighted a ton. So I have seen his ass more than I have ever cared to see any other guy's ass. Sir Mix-A-Lot does not like him.

I tell the "Enviro-Rossi fell off a stripper stage and tore up his knee" story during job interviews so you better believe I will be bringing it out during the eulogy.

Canadian Salvation Armies are the best. I still have a "No to Proposition 160" trucker hat I bought from there. It's bright orange and my wife claims it is the ugliest thing I own.

All those penalty minutes didn't come from just trips and delay of game calls, there were a lot of fights in there as well.

I do have the Hanson Brothers figures. In fact, I have two sets. The regular versions and the blood soaked variants. The fact that I get laid is amazing. The fact that my wife is fucking hot should be studied by scientists.

There's the assist. Another point for me. You're welcome.