Ooo la la, one of the Fox Force Five (ok, fine Melt Your Face Off) boyos took time out of his busy schedule to pencil in some answers...for the ladies. It's the ever elusive Reasonable Doubt.
Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Very late in the night in a land far, far away, I found myself alone with Ms. Cuthbert. She was cold and wet from the rain, and had been chased by a mountain lion which was inexplicably a couple hundred yards from the suburbs. She was rambling about how her father had died in a nuclear explosion, so I did my best to calm her. I soothed her and stroked her hair until some loud ticking happened, the clock struck nine, and Keifer Sutherland cock-blocked me.
True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
True. I am reasonably certain Crosby's ass is bigger than any man's on the planet. I could use his pants as a parachute and still have extra fabric to have a douchey bandana.
Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
7. I have bad knees, but I can reach almost any place I need to hit.
Your stick is: wood or composite
Composite. Wood is too easily cracked, broken, and otherwise mangled. Ask John Wayne Bobbitt.
Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)
A and B. C. as well, but it would purely be in a grudge-fuck capacity.
Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
B. But his suits make for excellent trashbags.
You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Five hole. Any moron can be fanatical about going top-shelf on the goalie of his dreams. Top-shelfs on goalies are nice, but with augmentation and padding placement, going five-hold is one of the true great feelings left in hockey.
High heels at games; yes or no
You can wear high heels, but don't bitch about how long it takes to get back to the seat when you go to the bathroom.
Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I'm like Chris Pronger. I can blatantly try to injure you and make you believe it's your own fault.
My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
Enough that I'd fake giving a rat's ass about his baseball career that he gave up for the game.
Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Of course. And if her favorite minor-leaguer gets drafted, I'd be the first one ordering a pro jersey for her with his name and number.
Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I'd move around her slowly and surely, dropping my gloves and mask, reach in and pull her close, taking care to slide her sweater over her head all in one smooth motion. I'd soften her up with some blows to the head before I went to work on her midsection. I'm reckless with the way I land my hits. She'll go down first, but I'll go down longest.
The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Depends, you gonna take my quarter?
A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
A bit, but not as much as a pink hat would.