Suitor Number Thirteen

Ladies, do I have a special treat for you. Meet Scott from the blog TOOAST!!! These boys have alll the bases covered. We're talking NBA, NHL, MLB, NFL, and you better believe that such thoroughness and passion on the blog extends well beyond the bedroom doors. 

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

 

My two closest associations with Elisha Cuthbert are:

 

1. That she was once Sean Avery's receptacle (who hasn't been?) and Avery now lives in Dallas, where I currently reside, where he is rapidly destroying the Stars from within like a runaway cancer.

 

2. The fact that, like our sweet little Ms Cuthbert, I grew up in Calgary, so we have that going for us. Which is nice.

 

Fortunately, I haven't had the privilige of tagging any of these hoo-ers, so no need for a V.D. test.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

 

Wow. Loaded question. It implies that I have taken notice of both your ass - which I have not knowingly ever done - and then compared it to every nubile Canadian and Pittsburghian girl's target rump of Captain Penguin. I'm sure my BMFS, one of my partners at Toooast!!!, would say that Sid's ass is likely slightly bruised and partially swollen from all the over-acted dives he takes. Or was that from the vengeful pounding he gave it while wearing his latest Flyers knock off jersey?

 

So I guess that makes his ass bigger?

 

False.

 

 

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

 

3. I am as flexible as Terry Crisp.

Your stick is: wood or composite

 

Wood in the morning. A maleable composite during the rest of the day.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

 

D. Going to be made the honorary anthem singer in San Jose so that the Sharks go completely in to the tank (I kill me!) and lose 60 games in a row.

(note: C will result in application denial)


Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

 

c. Akshully he's composed entirely out of partially chewed Timbits. A variety of flavors. Ron MacLean is forced to replenish Cherry in between their on-camera banter.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

 

Is the five hole between the tits? I'll shoot there.

High heels at games; yes or no

 

Hell ya! Nothing's better than watching some drunken puck slut fall down a flight of stairs after drinking 5 20 oz drafts while trying to get Modano's attention.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?

 

I'm going for broke here. My acting skills rival those of Sidney Crosby! Hoo ah!

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your "soff" ass. How much do you love me?

 

Uh...um...I have a childhood fear of men named Michelle. Don't ask.

 

I run as fast as I can the other way. And I don't love you.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

 

Fuck. No.

 

Luckily, my "girlfriend " and my "hockey" have never crossed streams.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

 

I tell her, "Come on baby...put down the Molson Ice. We both know it makes you do crazy shit. Ok, that's enough! Stop spitting your chew in my beer! Don't make me tase you!"

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

 

Just my cell phone so I can text other people while she blabs about her sisters or hair school or something. 

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?

 

You didn't mention how hot she is. Assuming she is hot, and there is a possibility of dragging her home and putting the moon boots to her, I'll let the pink jersy slide. Right down on to the floor! Zing!

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

 

Blow job! She needs her hands to hold my beers, eh!

Suitor Number Twelve.

Ooo la la, one of the Fox Force Five (ok, fine Melt Your Face Off) boyos took time out of his busy schedule to pencil in some answers...for the ladies. It's the ever elusive Reasonable Doubt.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Very late in the night in a land far, far away, I found myself alone with Ms. Cuthbert. She was cold and wet from the rain, and had been chased by a mountain lion which was inexplicably a couple hundred yards from the suburbs. She was rambling about how her father had died in a nuclear explosion, so I did my best to calm her. I soothed her and stroked her hair until some loud ticking happened, the clock struck nine, and Keifer Sutherland cock-blocked me.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
True. I am reasonably certain Crosby's ass is bigger than any man's on the planet. I could use his pants as a parachute and still have extra fabric to have a douchey bandana.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
7. I have bad knees, but I can reach almost any place I need to hit.

Your stick is: wood or composite
Composite. Wood is too easily cracked, broken, and otherwise mangled. Ask John Wayne Bobbitt.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)

A and B. C. as well, but it would purely be in a grudge-fuck capacity.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

B. But his suits make for excellent trashbags.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Five hole. Any moron can be fanatical about going top-shelf on the goalie of his dreams. Top-shelfs on goalies are nice, but with augmentation and padding placement, going five-hold is one of the true great feelings left in hockey.

High heels at games; yes or no
You can wear high heels, but don't bitch about how long it takes to get back to the seat when you go to the bathroom.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I'm like Chris Pronger. I can blatantly try to injure you and make you believe it's your own fault.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
Enough that I'd fake giving a rat's ass about his baseball career that he gave up for the game.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Of course. And if her favorite minor-leaguer gets drafted, I'd be the first one ordering a pro jersey for her with his name and number.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I'd move around her slowly and surely, dropping my gloves and mask, reach in and pull her close, taking care to slide her sweater over her head all in one smooth motion. I'd soften her up with some blows to the head before I went to work on her midsection. I'm reckless with the way I land my hits. She'll go down first, but I'll go down longest.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Depends, you gonna take my quarter?

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
A bit, but not as much as a pink hat would.

Suitor Number Ten.

Girlies, I have a treat for you. The ever foxy Turd Ferguson filled out a profile. Don't let the name fool. Homeboy is a hottie. Admit it, you'd let him unzip your dress.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Hilary Duff is a gold-digger and I wouldn't touch Elisha Cuthbert because she annoyed me in 24 (it didn't exactly help that I was playing Resident Evil 4 around the same time I was really into that show, and there's a female character in that game who's a lot like her, so every time I see her I just think of the girl in that game screeching "LEEEEOOOONNNN! HEEELLLLPPPP!"). As for Alyssa Milano, let's put it this way: Rose McGowan made Charmed watchable in my eyes. The woman who ruined Carl Pavano's career, though, doesn't.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Maybe. It's smaller than Jaromir Jagr's, though.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
3, which I think registers a Carlo Colaicovo.

Your stick is: wood or composite
At one time, I was so old-school that I did a Bobby Orr tape job on my stick, so it has to be wood.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)
I'll go off the board and select D, "the reason why the Blues went down the shitter".

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
B, mostly because nothing human could make his lovely suits.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Ooh, a tough one. Going upstairs is always fun, especially when you knock the Gatorade bottle off. But in my time I've gone between the pads a lot more.

High heels at games; yes or no
Only if the game was preceded by dinner at a place where one needs to dress up.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
They're better than Colby Armstrong's acting chops, that's for sure.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
Oh. (If your dad was Claude Julien, though, that's a whole 'nother story.)

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Probably, but if she wants to wear a jersey at breakfast I'd slip one that I like better over it while she's in the bathroom.

Your girlfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Drop those gloves, baby.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
No, because you're stupid when you do that. Just some English pig with no brains.

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
Not necessarily. If she was only wearing the pink jersey because her regular one was in the wash, it'd be acceptable. But only under those conditions.

Suitor Number Eleven.

You thought we were done with this madness? Babycakes, we are just getting started. I mean, Z Harmony is a very successful site that has resulted in 7,346 marriages in the past year. Ok I totally made that number up. Next up for you girlies is FirstDerivative. Check out this sweet action...

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
True, but I also bitch as much to the officials.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
2, somewhere around Kevin Weeks or Marty after the all you can eat chinese buffet.

Your stick is: wood or composite
bananna hooked

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)

d) Think Mystery, Alaska is based on a true story.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
a.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
One-Timers

High heels at games; yes or no
Sean Avery thinks so.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
With my girlfriend I'll throw on the Claude Lemieux jersey and take a dive.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
It's not you it's me....

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Trick question, I'd never date an Islander fan.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
"Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Yes, I carry my stick everywhere, what are you talking about?

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. But you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
I'd me more amazed there was a pink hockey jersey made.

Suitor Number Nine.

Ladies, I found a man for you. You chicks have been fantastic, putting all the work in. And a few dudes showed up. Well more like I had to knock on some doors and be like, "Yo fill this out, ok?" And Puck one of the Melo admins decided he was down.



Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
All I have to say on the subject: Captivity, Embrace the Vampire, and not on your life.
Now, could you pass over Showgirls, I'm more on a Jessie Spano kick right now.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Of course my ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's! It doesn't get paid millions to be Mario's bitch.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
I rate my flexibility a 6, it's totally Mikael Tellqvist. You know I talk a good game, but no one comes to see me in Phoenix.

Your stick is: wood or composite
It's so Wood, baby!

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)
C. I'm looking to finance a Sarah Palin/Tina Fey as Sarah Palin bondage film where they play twins.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
c, composed of entirely space shit that comes from a planet we haven't discovered yet, but they're watching us. Don Cherry is just in our face to see if anyone calls him on it.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Always go five hole, well, my dad used to say "always go glory hole," but that's for another summer camp survey I'm filling out.

High heels at games; yes or no
God no. If you fall while going up and down the stairs, I will probably laugh at you or chant "man down people!"

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I think I've got Gordon Bombay acting chops. Seriously, that was the world's weakest stick-to-the-knee action and he went down like a blonde in a porno. Only to get up, hang out with the school teacher and beat Iceland all in the same day.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
So Therrien, I'm only playing for Ron Wilson this year.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Yes, but I get to play the elusive "I get a threesome" card whenever I want that season. Repeat usage of the card will be determined by team and player and if you actually wear it out in public.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I nod slowly. We head for the door. I throw her an open ice check. She gets up. We fall madly in love while Foreigner is playing in the background. It was so meant to be.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Why not? I always wrap my hands in foil before I go out anyways.

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she knows just about everything about hockey. She is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
The pink jersey is the skeleton in her closet. I would generally offset the knowledge by singing Ace of Base. Because, really, it IS a beautiful life if you just seize the day.

You're at a hockey game and your team is losing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
Does she have a beer? I could totally use a beer at this point in the proceedings.

Suitorette Number Eight.

Well boys, aren't you in luck. The suitorettes just keep pouring in but you know, you need to apply as well. Z Harmony believes you don't find your love match unless you put yourself out there. Today we have the famous Sherry of Scarlett Ice


I'd think twice before crossing her.

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
Aw, hun. He wouldn't even be my hockey boyfriend if he lost a fight.
But, hypothetically I'd nurse him back to health...and then couch.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

Segway or no way, that's what I say.

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

With all due respect to the Staals, DO NOT WANT.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Of course.
You do mean pepper spray, don't you?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

Sigh. If only.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Whichever one gets the job done.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

If Sidney Crosby can't get it done, there is no hope for the rest of the male species, is there?

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C and D at the same time. Although I would also accept E: A low-rent version of Tobias Funke.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________
Getting me points in my pool so I will not say anything bad about him until that changes.

High heels at games; yes or no

The only excuse you have for wearing heels more than an inch at a hockey game is if you just came from the opera or something.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Why would my boyfriend cheer for a team I hated? How did he become my boyfriend in the first place? Was I drunk? Does not compute.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

A, but I have to add that I think he's all sorts of awesome at the same time for that exact reason.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies


If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

Don't own any Cher CDs, thankfully. I'd hope it's c) but if it's b), I just might have to kick his ass. And make him watch "What Not to Wear" with me. Which might conversely turn him into a). Huh.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

"Where are we going?" *Bambi Eyes*

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back

...I totally thought b. said "Butterfly" and I though nothing of it...very tricky you guys.
I like my goalies. Period.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Well, "Through the Five-Hole" always made me a giggle.

Suitorette Number Seven.

Yo wassup babies? The ever so fab Dani of Sabre Kallisions filled this out to see what suitors it will land her. I am not going to lie, she totes loves her Sabres. And I think she is facebook friends with a few of them. So good luck boyos.



I am so jealous of her blond hair. The R stands for "rad".

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
He sleeps on the couch. WTF, dude? How will you protect me from the crazy people? You’re supposed to be a hockey player. Sigh.
/shakes head

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
I’ve never ridden one. Ovietime should sponsor me for charity.

The Staal Question: once you've done one, you've done them all?
Never a Staal. Neverrrrrrrr. Maybe, MAYBE if they have a pillow fight.

The Slap Shot Question: On a date would you "bring your fucken toys with ya"?
Yeah! Something's gotta keep him out of the penalty box, you know?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
False. No one’s booty is bigger than the Chops... even Andrew Peters pre-Jenny Craig wasn’t that gigantic.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance
I’m all for the wood, baby.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Parents love me! I don’t need a plan.

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C, Señor.

Todd Bertuzzi is hot. I said it.

High heels at games; yes or no
Nay. I wouldn’t be caught dead in heels at the HSBC (unless it was for an event which requires me to dress for “business” attire).

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday but you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
If that’s what he wants… I’m too nice, I guess.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
A, I’m at a loss for witty comments. Cherry has that effect on me.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday, is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

I choose A if: he’s Derek Roy.
I choose B if: he’s Tim Connolly.
I choose C if: he’s Paul Gaustad.

If you're pondering a, then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?
Derek? Give back my Cher CD? Ha ha haaaaaa. Wait, why do I have a Cher CD?

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I’ll pull his shit over his head and blow his friggin’ mind.

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back
[note: I sent Dani the version with the buttery goalie typo. -WAC]

B, buttery goalies sound amazing. POKE CHECK.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn name be and what would the set up be?
Holly Wood. Oh, I think you know my set up…

Suitorette Number Six.

Oh heyyyyyy boys. The lovely "dave schultz" took her time to fill out the survey. Schultzie my WHL friendlet. Well, maybe frenemy? She loves the Ams and I love my Chiefs but we don't get into like jell-o wrestling matches over the rivalry. Check check check it out.


Schultzie, as pictured grabbing Eric Staal's ass.


Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
I nurse him back to health, cuddling him close to my bosom, where he can rest his noggin. or whatever else needs rubbing.


The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
Depends on if we're talking about actual Segways (no) or some double entendre (then yes)


The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?
hmm. This seems like a theory that should be tested. By me. Repeatedly.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
YES. Yay toys!

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
uh, true? I haven't measured his ass. Another test I'd be willing to partake in.


I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance
Is this a true/false questions? TRUE. With the caveat that those composites tend to shatter and I don't need anything shattering when going for a 5-hole or top shelf shot.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Not clear who I'm supposed to be seducing here, Mario or Sid, I'm gonna say Sid. Lots of booze. After the booze was flowing I'd swoop in for the BJ action, it's kinda my specialty.


Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."
e--he's a penislooking penis that makes me want to throw up while I'm punching babies and kicking puppies.



Todd Bertuzzi is... fucking scary. I would not hit that. Even with the lights out.


High heels at games; yes or no not on me.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
no way, I'm too selfish and broke to spend money that I don't have on a team I hate. If he doesn't get that, I shouldn't be dating him. If I cave and get him the sweater, he can wear it only in bed because it would make me angry and rough, angry sex is ggrrrrawr!!



Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
Absolutely fucking batshit crazy. I tune in every week just for a dose of insanity. It's fascinating. And since I don't take him serious, it's all good. He can spew his crazy xenophobe talk all he wants, he's a windbag. But hockey wouldn't be the same without him.



Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?
Really excited for Halloween I hope. so I guess C. Or to see if I can break previous records of stripping him nekked and thowing him down.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Throw him down hard and fuck him till we're both comatose. Or something along those lines. And the fact he's Canadian? That earns him waffles in the morning. Extra syrup if he's lucky.


I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back
Depends on what I'm in the mood for, I like to mix things up. If you want more details, drop me an email. ;)

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?
"Odd-man rush". It would include me at and at least 2 Staals, preferably Erik and Marc. But I wouldn't turn Jordan away.

Suitor Number Eight

Ladies, meet Enviro-Rossi. I'll let this sexy beast over at the Suburban Rob Rossis explain his photo and then sweep you off your feet. 

"This picture is the newest fashion trend for the redneck urban male, a emergency weather radio chain necklace. Wind that thing up and bring in the hoes while you hear all you need to know about that upcoming winter weather advisory."

 

See, girls? An up to date forecast has never been sexier. Take it away, Enviro-Rossi...

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

 

I will just put it to you this way. I cannot watch that movie called 'Girl Next Door' with other people in the room. After watching that movie with the ultra hot Cuthbert, Kleenex and Johnson and Johnson stocks go sky high the next day, even in these tough economic times. Now I heard she is dating Avery, which makes my unhealthy imagination move towards Milano. That horrible vampire movie she was in (Hept-Rossi knows the title) is one of those movies where you just fast forward to the boobery and sex with vampire scenes.

 

As for venereal disease, in my masturbation backstory of Cuthbert and Milano, I am the one passing along the baggage to them.

 

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
 

You know what's funny, and Hep-Rossi would back me up on this. I am a big dude with no ass. I affectionately call it 'the crack in my back.' Now in terms of circumference, I got him, but he got me on the z-axis.
 
Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
 
Used to be a 10 when I was still playing. Could put both legs behind my head until about age 25. Too bad only my hockey buds and gay friends were impressed with that skill. Then after falling off a Canadian strip club stage and tearing my knee up, that went down to one leg. That story, by the way, may be my crowning achievement and will probably be brought up at my Funeral by Hept-Rossi, GQ-Rossi, and/or Woody Boyd-Rossi. 
 
My current rating is still probably an 8 and for a 32 year old....that's not bad.

 
Your stick is: wood or composite
 

At this moment since my left knee doesn't bend and since I see about as well as Stevie Wonder, my stick is a Wii joystick for NHL 09. Now in my playing days, its was all about wood, especially Christian. Their goalie sticks are way better than the religion.

 
Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 
(note: C will result in application denial)
 

Whats funny to me is that Obama's intelligence is actually hurting him at his run for the Presidency, while this girls buffoonery is somehow endearing to the asses that say 'I want someone like me in the White House.' Her and her entire family needs to go away...somewhere dark...possibly including water and concrete.
 
Now that pregnant daughter of hers I may allow to go all 'Anastasia' after convincing me that is the right thing to do.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
 

B, in some lovely threads. You got to give it up for a guy that knows how ridiculous he looks by diverting your attention to his ridiculous suits. I would and have walked in such garb (i.e. Canada Salvation Armies are #1)

 
You like to go: top shelf or five hole
 

The Good Book says to attempt propagation only if times of bountiful crops for you will need more hands in the fields and more mouths at the dinner table. 

 
High heels at games; yes or no
 

High heels drive me crazy. Put a ball cap, a hockey jersey, stockings and high heels on Barbara Bush and I would probably fuck her. I just kid! (in my best mexican accent). Now high heels at games, only if I know what's coming after the game. Its always future sex first and safety second for Enviro-Rossi.

 
Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
 

I don't know who the hell Derek Roy is. Is that Pat Roy's son who thinks he can play? Regardless if that's him or not, my entire life is Role Playing. For Lemieux's sake, I write a blog with possibly the worst grammatical brain on this earth. I am currently making a whole shit load of booze (20 gallons of dark beer and hard cider) with Wilson-Rossi and have taken it to a point where I am having Vinson-Rossi, Hep-Rossi comic book illustrator friend, drawing up logos......keep an eye out for the logo unvealing on the Suburban Rob Rossis blog in the near future. My entire life is fantansy (and yes, I spelled that right).

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
 

So much so that I will go back to my high school, and pull up records of when I was on the JV hockey team and was second on the team in penalty minutes as the goalie. I got thrown out of more games as a High School JV and V starting goalie than is probably allowed anymore in scolastic athletics. I think he would be impressed by that. 'Now Michael, get you Frenchie ass off the couch so that I can goon it up with your daughters spot.'

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?
 

A deal with have to be made for the purchase. Any time that team plays the Pens, its watch game while touching your toes time. This way, we can both watch the Pens beat the hell out of that team, while I beat that hell out of her 'five-hole' I think is what you called it. There would also be an added bonus. If the Pens are beating said team, its donky punch time.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
 

To Timmy Horton's I hope. We can get a dozen doughnuts eh? Then stop at the Beer Store for a case of Upper Canada Lauger. Then stop by Club Zanzibar for their Russian Ruellet condoms.....ahh yea...and the $0.75 Musk Cologne dispenser. Then it is off to accidental pregnancy. Thanks Canada!

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
 

Would the world explode if I brought Hep-Rossi's Hansen figurines with me to the Pens game? I just am assuming you have them Hep...am I right? Thats like Bizarro World. Now there is a older chick I would throw it to......Elaine. Did I even answer this question?

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
 

I look upon this girl as a project....has all the tools....just doesn't know how to use them. I would take her under my wing and start arranging the tools in a way that allows her to eventually let me tear that pink shirt right off of her at a game so that I may strangle a Flyers fan with it. Yea....I just got a boner thinking about that possibility 

 You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
 

How about a 'do two things at one time' girl. I always liked those chicks that go the extra mile and hand you off while blowing. That should be an option here and because of that I deme this question incomplete.