Suitor Number Fifteen

Hello ladies. Meet Symo. With such a vast array of subjects on his blog (including sports), Symo can whisper sweetly in your ear about almost anything. He’s the fresh meat in the blogosphere so be sure to check him out nice and hard. 

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

 

Oh good Lord no... they won't return my calls.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's. 

 

False. That's just not feasible.

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

 

4.  Some parts are stiffer than others!

Your stick is: wood or composite

Wood.  Pure, hard, natural wood (baby).

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

(note: C will result in application denial)

d. She's breathing, so technically I'd have to vote c, but I'd shoot myself afterward.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

 

b.  I spoke with his doctor.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

 

Sometimes it won't fit in the 5 hole, so THEN I go top shelf.

High heels at games; yes or no

 

Oh hell yes.  Flats and sandals are for women who don't want to get laid (by men at least).  

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy? 

 

Who do I look like, Michael Caine?  

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soft ass. How much do you love me? 

 

I'm scared of NO man that speaks French.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

 

Absoultely.  See the next answer....

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that. 

 

Nothings hotter than pulling that jersey over her head and _____ (<--- fill in, must start with f) the hell out of her.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

 

If it's Alyssa, then yes.

 

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?

 

No.  Pink jerseys look about the same crumpled up in the corner as a regular jersey.  Makes it easier to find in the morning too.

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

 

Blow me.  You ever see a woman drive a stick shift?  Not many of them are good at THAT (but when they are... ).

 

Bonus Suitorettes: Twofer Edition!

Hello gents. I have a two pack for you. The lovely dames over at Puck Huffers did a joint survey. These ladies know what's up. Yeah and you have to buy dinner for both. Can you handle that?

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?

Neither of us dates a loser. The YouTubes of him being punched repeatedly in the head were obviously illusory. Keep in mind, however, that losing a fight is better than not fighting at all.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

No. If Alex Ovechkin expressed interest in the Segway, it probably has at least 8 secret uses as an instrument of torture and sexual assault. In fact, Ovechkin has made them recognized by law as an accessory to rape in 12 states. We'd be arrested on site.

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

No. Really the only ones we're open to are Jordan and Eric. Jared was drafted by the Coyotes, so we'd protect him from Gretzky in a theoretical shower scene as a matter of principle, but Marc is a Ranger so we really don't want anything to do with him. Really, the Staals are like high school lunches. We're not excited for any of them, but if we're hungry we can find some with redeeming qualities. Our answer to this question obviously has nothing to do with hockey skills.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

It isn't a date until someone breaks out the remote control monster trucks. What kind of dates are you losers going on?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

Zoë desperately wishes her ass looked that good. Kim is too dehydrated to comment.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance?

It depends on how you like to play the puck. Sometimes it's best to use a straight stick and get a fancy play going. Other times, it's best to just shove that shit in and hope you get enough wood on it to succeed. Our pants would make terrible goaltenders.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

Tell Armstrong to shut up because he'll get you two caught. Tell Mario that some children in the Hill District need to be read to for charity, which ought to distract him for several hours. Make sure the bedroom windows are open so no one smells the pot. Eat ten bags of cheesy popcorn while watching Scary Movie 3, cop a feel, make sure there's an old pillowcase nearby in case of an emergency.

Later, open the Post-Gazette and realize that the literacy rate among Hill District elementary school students has increased 150% overnight.

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

All of the above. And also provided the most homoerotic commentary ever during the 2008 draft on Versus. We wouldn't let our kids near him.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________

Someone we haven't thought about in years.

High heels at games; yes or no

High heels are for formal occasions and looking good when you're out and about. Hockey games are about mad skillz, violence, and watching people's lives get ruined. The only reason you might need them is if Talbot yells out the name of the bar everyone's going to after the game and it turns out to be a slightly nicer establishment. But when you're in the arena, wearing heels should be punishable by death. You could also use them to beat the guy in front of you yelling SHOOT THE PUCK if need be, but in that case you're still not wearing them.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

We would only ever date Penguins fans. If a guy wants another team's jersey, he'll have to start looking for new chicks to bang.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

The man who accredited the Penguins' incredible Game 5 SCF win to Gary Roberts because Talbot was sitting next to him on the bench at one point. So we're pretty sure he's full of shit, but a glorious technicolor shit.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

Not only gay, but awesome. We want to be seen in public with him even more.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

Put the Youngblood DVD in and start fucking.

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back

Hopefully all of the above over the course of a two-hour motel stay. We take this opportunity to publicly announce that we'd like John Curry to be involved in this somehow. We'd invite Marc-André but we understand he's busy. Sabu can watch if he doesn't have anything better to do, like play WoW or watch Teletubbies.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Get in My Crease: Three guys park themselves in the blue paint of the opposing goaltender, trying to break a scoreless tie in the final thirty seconds of the game during a power play, with their two best point-men firing shot after sexual shot at the net. After the essential tip-in at 00:12, a ref's call of goaltender interference turns into a bench-clearing brawl. Everyone ends up naked in front of the goal. The ice quality decreases rapidly.

Suitor Number Fourteen

Helllooo ladies. Meet Nicholas from Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies. Now, even though we’re talking mini ponies, Nicholas’s writing is definitely of horse caliber. And, while we’re on the topic of horses, I’m gong to drop a subtle hint and let you guess what he’s hung like…. Enjoy.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease? Hillary Duff once, but then Lohan got mad at me. So Comrie was her backup fling.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's. My ass? Perhaps. Your ass? I'd have to see pictures

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo. Well, this is Z Harmony, so I'm off the charts, baby!

Your stick is: wood or composite. Huh huh...wood.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

(note: C will result in application denial)

 

D. Saving hockey by destroying Philly and Columbus. Can we get her to go to D.C.?

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

 

A piece of shit that wears shit on top of his shit. You follow?

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

 

Why not both? I'm not against having a multi-goal game...ladies...

High heels at games; yes or no Yes, until I broke an ankle trying to get the attention of the beer vendor.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy? Only if my future mate can rival Jarkko Ruutu...I mean...

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soft ass. How much do you love me? I've met Michel. He's taken a look at my soff ass, but never my soft one.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey? Yeah, and then burn it in front of her.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that. I'd say "Yeah, baby," then proceed to get my ass beat down because I misinterpreted the question.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya? Only my Ninja Tutles figurines...wait...wrong toys.

 

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive? YES, but we can work past it.
 

 

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job? As I said before, multi-goal games are my specialty. I'll score more than once.

Suitor Number Thirteen

Ladies, do I have a special treat for you. Meet Scott from the blog TOOAST!!! These boys have alll the bases covered. We're talking NBA, NHL, MLB, NFL, and you better believe that such thoroughness and passion on the blog extends well beyond the bedroom doors. 

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

 

My two closest associations with Elisha Cuthbert are:

 

1. That she was once Sean Avery's receptacle (who hasn't been?) and Avery now lives in Dallas, where I currently reside, where he is rapidly destroying the Stars from within like a runaway cancer.

 

2. The fact that, like our sweet little Ms Cuthbert, I grew up in Calgary, so we have that going for us. Which is nice.

 

Fortunately, I haven't had the privilige of tagging any of these hoo-ers, so no need for a V.D. test.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

 

Wow. Loaded question. It implies that I have taken notice of both your ass - which I have not knowingly ever done - and then compared it to every nubile Canadian and Pittsburghian girl's target rump of Captain Penguin. I'm sure my BMFS, one of my partners at Toooast!!!, would say that Sid's ass is likely slightly bruised and partially swollen from all the over-acted dives he takes. Or was that from the vengeful pounding he gave it while wearing his latest Flyers knock off jersey?

 

So I guess that makes his ass bigger?

 

False.

 

 

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

 

3. I am as flexible as Terry Crisp.

Your stick is: wood or composite

 

Wood in the morning. A maleable composite during the rest of the day.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

 

D. Going to be made the honorary anthem singer in San Jose so that the Sharks go completely in to the tank (I kill me!) and lose 60 games in a row.

(note: C will result in application denial)


Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

 

c. Akshully he's composed entirely out of partially chewed Timbits. A variety of flavors. Ron MacLean is forced to replenish Cherry in between their on-camera banter.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

 

Is the five hole between the tits? I'll shoot there.

High heels at games; yes or no

 

Hell ya! Nothing's better than watching some drunken puck slut fall down a flight of stairs after drinking 5 20 oz drafts while trying to get Modano's attention.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?

 

I'm going for broke here. My acting skills rival those of Sidney Crosby! Hoo ah!

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your "soff" ass. How much do you love me?

 

Uh...um...I have a childhood fear of men named Michelle. Don't ask.

 

I run as fast as I can the other way. And I don't love you.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

 

Fuck. No.

 

Luckily, my "girlfriend " and my "hockey" have never crossed streams.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

 

I tell her, "Come on baby...put down the Molson Ice. We both know it makes you do crazy shit. Ok, that's enough! Stop spitting your chew in my beer! Don't make me tase you!"

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

 

Just my cell phone so I can text other people while she blabs about her sisters or hair school or something. 

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?

 

You didn't mention how hot she is. Assuming she is hot, and there is a possibility of dragging her home and putting the moon boots to her, I'll let the pink jersy slide. Right down on to the floor! Zing!

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

 

Blow job! She needs her hands to hold my beers, eh!

Suitor Number Twelve.

Ooo la la, one of the Fox Force Five (ok, fine Melt Your Face Off) boyos took time out of his busy schedule to pencil in some answers...for the ladies. It's the ever elusive Reasonable Doubt.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Very late in the night in a land far, far away, I found myself alone with Ms. Cuthbert. She was cold and wet from the rain, and had been chased by a mountain lion which was inexplicably a couple hundred yards from the suburbs. She was rambling about how her father had died in a nuclear explosion, so I did my best to calm her. I soothed her and stroked her hair until some loud ticking happened, the clock struck nine, and Keifer Sutherland cock-blocked me.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
True. I am reasonably certain Crosby's ass is bigger than any man's on the planet. I could use his pants as a parachute and still have extra fabric to have a douchey bandana.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
7. I have bad knees, but I can reach almost any place I need to hit.

Your stick is: wood or composite
Composite. Wood is too easily cracked, broken, and otherwise mangled. Ask John Wayne Bobbitt.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)

A and B. C. as well, but it would purely be in a grudge-fuck capacity.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

B. But his suits make for excellent trashbags.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Five hole. Any moron can be fanatical about going top-shelf on the goalie of his dreams. Top-shelfs on goalies are nice, but with augmentation and padding placement, going five-hold is one of the true great feelings left in hockey.

High heels at games; yes or no
You can wear high heels, but don't bitch about how long it takes to get back to the seat when you go to the bathroom.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I'm like Chris Pronger. I can blatantly try to injure you and make you believe it's your own fault.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
Enough that I'd fake giving a rat's ass about his baseball career that he gave up for the game.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Of course. And if her favorite minor-leaguer gets drafted, I'd be the first one ordering a pro jersey for her with his name and number.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I'd move around her slowly and surely, dropping my gloves and mask, reach in and pull her close, taking care to slide her sweater over her head all in one smooth motion. I'd soften her up with some blows to the head before I went to work on her midsection. I'm reckless with the way I land my hits. She'll go down first, but I'll go down longest.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Depends, you gonna take my quarter?

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
A bit, but not as much as a pink hat would.

Suitor Number Ten.

Girlies, I have a treat for you. The ever foxy Turd Ferguson filled out a profile. Don't let the name fool. Homeboy is a hottie. Admit it, you'd let him unzip your dress.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Hilary Duff is a gold-digger and I wouldn't touch Elisha Cuthbert because she annoyed me in 24 (it didn't exactly help that I was playing Resident Evil 4 around the same time I was really into that show, and there's a female character in that game who's a lot like her, so every time I see her I just think of the girl in that game screeching "LEEEEOOOONNNN! HEEELLLLPPPP!"). As for Alyssa Milano, let's put it this way: Rose McGowan made Charmed watchable in my eyes. The woman who ruined Carl Pavano's career, though, doesn't.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Maybe. It's smaller than Jaromir Jagr's, though.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
3, which I think registers a Carlo Colaicovo.

Your stick is: wood or composite
At one time, I was so old-school that I did a Bobby Orr tape job on my stick, so it has to be wood.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)
I'll go off the board and select D, "the reason why the Blues went down the shitter".

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
B, mostly because nothing human could make his lovely suits.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Ooh, a tough one. Going upstairs is always fun, especially when you knock the Gatorade bottle off. But in my time I've gone between the pads a lot more.

High heels at games; yes or no
Only if the game was preceded by dinner at a place where one needs to dress up.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
They're better than Colby Armstrong's acting chops, that's for sure.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
Oh. (If your dad was Claude Julien, though, that's a whole 'nother story.)

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Probably, but if she wants to wear a jersey at breakfast I'd slip one that I like better over it while she's in the bathroom.

Your girlfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Drop those gloves, baby.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
No, because you're stupid when you do that. Just some English pig with no brains.

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
Not necessarily. If she was only wearing the pink jersey because her regular one was in the wash, it'd be acceptable. But only under those conditions.

Suitor Number Eleven.

You thought we were done with this madness? Babycakes, we are just getting started. I mean, Z Harmony is a very successful site that has resulted in 7,346 marriages in the past year. Ok I totally made that number up. Next up for you girlies is FirstDerivative. Check out this sweet action...

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
True, but I also bitch as much to the officials.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
2, somewhere around Kevin Weeks or Marty after the all you can eat chinese buffet.

Your stick is: wood or composite
bananna hooked

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)

d) Think Mystery, Alaska is based on a true story.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
a.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
One-Timers

High heels at games; yes or no
Sean Avery thinks so.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
With my girlfriend I'll throw on the Claude Lemieux jersey and take a dive.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
It's not you it's me....

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Trick question, I'd never date an Islander fan.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
"Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Yes, I carry my stick everywhere, what are you talking about?

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. But you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
I'd me more amazed there was a pink hockey jersey made.

Suitor Number Nine.

Ladies, I found a man for you. You chicks have been fantastic, putting all the work in. And a few dudes showed up. Well more like I had to knock on some doors and be like, "Yo fill this out, ok?" And Puck one of the Melo admins decided he was down.



Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
All I have to say on the subject: Captivity, Embrace the Vampire, and not on your life.
Now, could you pass over Showgirls, I'm more on a Jessie Spano kick right now.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Of course my ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's! It doesn't get paid millions to be Mario's bitch.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
I rate my flexibility a 6, it's totally Mikael Tellqvist. You know I talk a good game, but no one comes to see me in Phoenix.

Your stick is: wood or composite
It's so Wood, baby!

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)
C. I'm looking to finance a Sarah Palin/Tina Fey as Sarah Palin bondage film where they play twins.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
c, composed of entirely space shit that comes from a planet we haven't discovered yet, but they're watching us. Don Cherry is just in our face to see if anyone calls him on it.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Always go five hole, well, my dad used to say "always go glory hole," but that's for another summer camp survey I'm filling out.

High heels at games; yes or no
God no. If you fall while going up and down the stairs, I will probably laugh at you or chant "man down people!"

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I think I've got Gordon Bombay acting chops. Seriously, that was the world's weakest stick-to-the-knee action and he went down like a blonde in a porno. Only to get up, hang out with the school teacher and beat Iceland all in the same day.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
So Therrien, I'm only playing for Ron Wilson this year.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Yes, but I get to play the elusive "I get a threesome" card whenever I want that season. Repeat usage of the card will be determined by team and player and if you actually wear it out in public.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I nod slowly. We head for the door. I throw her an open ice check. She gets up. We fall madly in love while Foreigner is playing in the background. It was so meant to be.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Why not? I always wrap my hands in foil before I go out anyways.

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she knows just about everything about hockey. She is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
The pink jersey is the skeleton in her closet. I would generally offset the knowledge by singing Ace of Base. Because, really, it IS a beautiful life if you just seize the day.

You're at a hockey game and your team is losing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
Does she have a beer? I could totally use a beer at this point in the proceedings.

Suitorette Number Eight.

Well boys, aren't you in luck. The suitorettes just keep pouring in but you know, you need to apply as well. Z Harmony believes you don't find your love match unless you put yourself out there. Today we have the famous Sherry of Scarlett Ice


I'd think twice before crossing her.

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
Aw, hun. He wouldn't even be my hockey boyfriend if he lost a fight.
But, hypothetically I'd nurse him back to health...and then couch.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

Segway or no way, that's what I say.

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

With all due respect to the Staals, DO NOT WANT.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Of course.
You do mean pepper spray, don't you?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

Sigh. If only.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Whichever one gets the job done.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

If Sidney Crosby can't get it done, there is no hope for the rest of the male species, is there?

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C and D at the same time. Although I would also accept E: A low-rent version of Tobias Funke.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________
Getting me points in my pool so I will not say anything bad about him until that changes.

High heels at games; yes or no

The only excuse you have for wearing heels more than an inch at a hockey game is if you just came from the opera or something.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Why would my boyfriend cheer for a team I hated? How did he become my boyfriend in the first place? Was I drunk? Does not compute.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

A, but I have to add that I think he's all sorts of awesome at the same time for that exact reason.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies


If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

Don't own any Cher CDs, thankfully. I'd hope it's c) but if it's b), I just might have to kick his ass. And make him watch "What Not to Wear" with me. Which might conversely turn him into a). Huh.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

"Where are we going?" *Bambi Eyes*

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back

...I totally thought b. said "Butterfly" and I though nothing of it...very tricky you guys.
I like my goalies. Period.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Well, "Through the Five-Hole" always made me a giggle.

Suitorette Number Seven.

Yo wassup babies? The ever so fab Dani of Sabre Kallisions filled this out to see what suitors it will land her. I am not going to lie, she totes loves her Sabres. And I think she is facebook friends with a few of them. So good luck boyos.



I am so jealous of her blond hair. The R stands for "rad".

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
He sleeps on the couch. WTF, dude? How will you protect me from the crazy people? You’re supposed to be a hockey player. Sigh.
/shakes head

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
I’ve never ridden one. Ovietime should sponsor me for charity.

The Staal Question: once you've done one, you've done them all?
Never a Staal. Neverrrrrrrr. Maybe, MAYBE if they have a pillow fight.

The Slap Shot Question: On a date would you "bring your fucken toys with ya"?
Yeah! Something's gotta keep him out of the penalty box, you know?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
False. No one’s booty is bigger than the Chops... even Andrew Peters pre-Jenny Craig wasn’t that gigantic.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance
I’m all for the wood, baby.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Parents love me! I don’t need a plan.

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C, Señor.

Todd Bertuzzi is hot. I said it.

High heels at games; yes or no
Nay. I wouldn’t be caught dead in heels at the HSBC (unless it was for an event which requires me to dress for “business” attire).

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday but you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
If that’s what he wants… I’m too nice, I guess.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
A, I’m at a loss for witty comments. Cherry has that effect on me.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday, is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

I choose A if: he’s Derek Roy.
I choose B if: he’s Tim Connolly.
I choose C if: he’s Paul Gaustad.

If you're pondering a, then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?
Derek? Give back my Cher CD? Ha ha haaaaaa. Wait, why do I have a Cher CD?

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I’ll pull his shit over his head and blow his friggin’ mind.

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back
[note: I sent Dani the version with the buttery goalie typo. -WAC]

B, buttery goalies sound amazing. POKE CHECK.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn name be and what would the set up be?
Holly Wood. Oh, I think you know my set up…

Suitorette Number Six.

Oh heyyyyyy boys. The lovely "dave schultz" took her time to fill out the survey. Schultzie my WHL friendlet. Well, maybe frenemy? She loves the Ams and I love my Chiefs but we don't get into like jell-o wrestling matches over the rivalry. Check check check it out.


Schultzie, as pictured grabbing Eric Staal's ass.


Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
I nurse him back to health, cuddling him close to my bosom, where he can rest his noggin. or whatever else needs rubbing.


The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
Depends on if we're talking about actual Segways (no) or some double entendre (then yes)


The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?
hmm. This seems like a theory that should be tested. By me. Repeatedly.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
YES. Yay toys!

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
uh, true? I haven't measured his ass. Another test I'd be willing to partake in.


I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance
Is this a true/false questions? TRUE. With the caveat that those composites tend to shatter and I don't need anything shattering when going for a 5-hole or top shelf shot.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Not clear who I'm supposed to be seducing here, Mario or Sid, I'm gonna say Sid. Lots of booze. After the booze was flowing I'd swoop in for the BJ action, it's kinda my specialty.


Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."
e--he's a penislooking penis that makes me want to throw up while I'm punching babies and kicking puppies.



Todd Bertuzzi is... fucking scary. I would not hit that. Even with the lights out.


High heels at games; yes or no not on me.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
no way, I'm too selfish and broke to spend money that I don't have on a team I hate. If he doesn't get that, I shouldn't be dating him. If I cave and get him the sweater, he can wear it only in bed because it would make me angry and rough, angry sex is ggrrrrawr!!



Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
Absolutely fucking batshit crazy. I tune in every week just for a dose of insanity. It's fascinating. And since I don't take him serious, it's all good. He can spew his crazy xenophobe talk all he wants, he's a windbag. But hockey wouldn't be the same without him.



Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?
Really excited for Halloween I hope. so I guess C. Or to see if I can break previous records of stripping him nekked and thowing him down.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Throw him down hard and fuck him till we're both comatose. Or something along those lines. And the fact he's Canadian? That earns him waffles in the morning. Extra syrup if he's lucky.


I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back
Depends on what I'm in the mood for, I like to mix things up. If you want more details, drop me an email. ;)

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?
"Odd-man rush". It would include me at and at least 2 Staals, preferably Erik and Marc. But I wouldn't turn Jordan away.

Suitor Number Eight

Ladies, meet Enviro-Rossi. I'll let this sexy beast over at the Suburban Rob Rossis explain his photo and then sweep you off your feet. 

"This picture is the newest fashion trend for the redneck urban male, a emergency weather radio chain necklace. Wind that thing up and bring in the hoes while you hear all you need to know about that upcoming winter weather advisory."

 

See, girls? An up to date forecast has never been sexier. Take it away, Enviro-Rossi...

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

 

I will just put it to you this way. I cannot watch that movie called 'Girl Next Door' with other people in the room. After watching that movie with the ultra hot Cuthbert, Kleenex and Johnson and Johnson stocks go sky high the next day, even in these tough economic times. Now I heard she is dating Avery, which makes my unhealthy imagination move towards Milano. That horrible vampire movie she was in (Hept-Rossi knows the title) is one of those movies where you just fast forward to the boobery and sex with vampire scenes.

 

As for venereal disease, in my masturbation backstory of Cuthbert and Milano, I am the one passing along the baggage to them.

 

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
 

You know what's funny, and Hep-Rossi would back me up on this. I am a big dude with no ass. I affectionately call it 'the crack in my back.' Now in terms of circumference, I got him, but he got me on the z-axis.
 
Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
 
Used to be a 10 when I was still playing. Could put both legs behind my head until about age 25. Too bad only my hockey buds and gay friends were impressed with that skill. Then after falling off a Canadian strip club stage and tearing my knee up, that went down to one leg. That story, by the way, may be my crowning achievement and will probably be brought up at my Funeral by Hept-Rossi, GQ-Rossi, and/or Woody Boyd-Rossi. 
 
My current rating is still probably an 8 and for a 32 year old....that's not bad.

 
Your stick is: wood or composite
 

At this moment since my left knee doesn't bend and since I see about as well as Stevie Wonder, my stick is a Wii joystick for NHL 09. Now in my playing days, its was all about wood, especially Christian. Their goalie sticks are way better than the religion.

 
Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 
(note: C will result in application denial)
 

Whats funny to me is that Obama's intelligence is actually hurting him at his run for the Presidency, while this girls buffoonery is somehow endearing to the asses that say 'I want someone like me in the White House.' Her and her entire family needs to go away...somewhere dark...possibly including water and concrete.
 
Now that pregnant daughter of hers I may allow to go all 'Anastasia' after convincing me that is the right thing to do.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
 

B, in some lovely threads. You got to give it up for a guy that knows how ridiculous he looks by diverting your attention to his ridiculous suits. I would and have walked in such garb (i.e. Canada Salvation Armies are #1)

 
You like to go: top shelf or five hole
 

The Good Book says to attempt propagation only if times of bountiful crops for you will need more hands in the fields and more mouths at the dinner table. 

 
High heels at games; yes or no
 

High heels drive me crazy. Put a ball cap, a hockey jersey, stockings and high heels on Barbara Bush and I would probably fuck her. I just kid! (in my best mexican accent). Now high heels at games, only if I know what's coming after the game. Its always future sex first and safety second for Enviro-Rossi.

 
Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
 

I don't know who the hell Derek Roy is. Is that Pat Roy's son who thinks he can play? Regardless if that's him or not, my entire life is Role Playing. For Lemieux's sake, I write a blog with possibly the worst grammatical brain on this earth. I am currently making a whole shit load of booze (20 gallons of dark beer and hard cider) with Wilson-Rossi and have taken it to a point where I am having Vinson-Rossi, Hep-Rossi comic book illustrator friend, drawing up logos......keep an eye out for the logo unvealing on the Suburban Rob Rossis blog in the near future. My entire life is fantansy (and yes, I spelled that right).

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
 

So much so that I will go back to my high school, and pull up records of when I was on the JV hockey team and was second on the team in penalty minutes as the goalie. I got thrown out of more games as a High School JV and V starting goalie than is probably allowed anymore in scolastic athletics. I think he would be impressed by that. 'Now Michael, get you Frenchie ass off the couch so that I can goon it up with your daughters spot.'

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?
 

A deal with have to be made for the purchase. Any time that team plays the Pens, its watch game while touching your toes time. This way, we can both watch the Pens beat the hell out of that team, while I beat that hell out of her 'five-hole' I think is what you called it. There would also be an added bonus. If the Pens are beating said team, its donky punch time.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
 

To Timmy Horton's I hope. We can get a dozen doughnuts eh? Then stop at the Beer Store for a case of Upper Canada Lauger. Then stop by Club Zanzibar for their Russian Ruellet condoms.....ahh yea...and the $0.75 Musk Cologne dispenser. Then it is off to accidental pregnancy. Thanks Canada!

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
 

Would the world explode if I brought Hep-Rossi's Hansen figurines with me to the Pens game? I just am assuming you have them Hep...am I right? Thats like Bizarro World. Now there is a older chick I would throw it to......Elaine. Did I even answer this question?

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
 

I look upon this girl as a project....has all the tools....just doesn't know how to use them. I would take her under my wing and start arranging the tools in a way that allows her to eventually let me tear that pink shirt right off of her at a game so that I may strangle a Flyers fan with it. Yea....I just got a boner thinking about that possibility 

 You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
 

How about a 'do two things at one time' girl. I always liked those chicks that go the extra mile and hand you off while blowing. That should be an option here and because of that I deme this question incomplete.

Suitor Number Seven

Meet Hept-Rossi from The Suburban Rob Rossis. He's a stud just like the real Rob Rossi, and while Hept-Rossi is not as good at fabricating free agency rumors as the real Rob Rossi, he could easily take him in a fight. Or a blog-off. Ladies, try to contain yourselves as Hept-Rossi romances you Pittsburgh style. N'at.  

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

My right hand has had encounters with all of them but my left one only likes Milano.  Neither one wants anything to do with Hillary's brother, I think his name is Haley.  As for the VD test, I wore a glove, so no. 
 
 
True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Everything about me is bigger than Sidney Crosby...everything.
 
 
Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
I'd have to say 8.  I can put my leg behind my head, but I still can't reach.  Not that I've tried or anything.
 
 
Your stick is: wood or composite
Everything about me is all natural...everything.
 
 
Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 
(note: C will result in application denial)
She's destroying everything so I would have to go with A.
 

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
Both.  Little known fact, Don Cherry was the inspiration for the Golgothan (i.e. shit monster) in Kevin Smith's feature film "Dogma".  
 

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Why chose one?  I'm a fan of both.  I've also been known to attempt a 'sneaky' wrap around every so often and try to slip one in the back door. Variety is the spice of life.
 

High heels at games; yes or no
Would Santonio Holmes be considered a heel?  If so, then yes.
 

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
Everything about me is better than Derek Roy...everything.
 

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
First, I hope you're his daughter and not his son.  Second, I would check your ass into the nearest wall so you're dad would give me more playing time. Third, I couldn't wait until he told the media that I was trying to be the worst boyfriend ever.  
 

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?
She wouldn't be my girlfriend if she didn't love the Pens.  She would just be a girl I was nailing so I could tell my buddies.  "Hey, I banged a Capitals fan last night, and just like them, she sucked."
 
 
Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
First, turn some Barry White on, get a little sheet music going.  Next, the helmets come off followed by the elbow pads.  We lock up and start tussling to get each other's jersey off.  Our skates get tangled.  We fall to the ice.  AAWWW SHIT!!!  THAT'S FUCKING COLD!!!  
 
 
The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
My Chewbacca figure doesn't need to bear witness to the things I would do to you.
 

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
All girls are pink on the inside.

 
You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
BJ.  Because that is my porn name, B.J. Hunter.  Also, I don't want to hear any explanations as to why the Pens could only muster 9 shots during the entire game.  Just smoke that roast and be done with it.  I have to hit traffic on my way home.   

Suitorette Number Four.

Oh hi. I am Wrap. I run a cute little blog called Wrap Around Curl where I write about my Memorial Cup fumbling Spokane Chiefs and my pretty pretty goalie among topics. What can I say about myself that you haven't already picked up on my site? There is my unending fascination with America's Next Top Model and my love for the Wu Tang Clan. I adore my bloggers and all the collaborations. Which makes me like the Puff Daddy of hockey blogging I think...My theory is if I write enough about Sean Avery one of these days he will call me and we will go shopping at Dior and then have some furious wrestling in the sheets. It's the best of all possible worlds, really.





Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
If I know he should have won? Couch city for a three night minimum. But if he was mauled I will put on my nurse dress and take his temperature.


The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
Who doesn't like rides on Segways? Terrorists. That's who.

The Staal Question: once you've done one, you've done them all?
They don't do it for me. I don't know why. But looking at their pictures, some are more unfortunate looking than others. Which is the Hurricane one? He will do. I wouldn't take my panties off for the other two.


The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister?
Ok I totally worded this question wrong. Serves me right for late night blogging. I might cheat on you with your foxier brother. Shit where the fuck was I going with this question?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
I have a whole lot of ass for a white girl.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance
I like whatever stick is going to get the game winner.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Dude, you are Sidney fucken Crosby. Get a hotel room Hockey Jesus. Or man up and get your own digs. Shit how much are you getting paid?



Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C then D

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________
a wanking fuckwit. Who sorta looks like a date rapist to me.

High heels at games; yes or no
I'm a classy dame. But at hockey games I tend to be a salty broad, so I rock some Adidas kicks. Besides, this one time at a hockey game I saw a chick in high heels slip in some mustard. Then she popped out of her low cut shirt. I laughed. It was like Christmas.


Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
Yes, because it should score me numerous imaginary points in the future that can be redeemed for shiny pretties.



Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
B. With a fake tan to rival Paris Hilton.



Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies



If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?
I hope it's C. I don't own any Cher. I own plenty of Madonna. For seriously Ray of Light is an amazing album.


Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

"Yeah, right now." Then I grab his hoodie and start Boogaarding him. And then I am on top of him. Removing said hoodie.


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Always.

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back

Whatever position keeps their saves percentage highest. They can be on their back after the game.


Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?
Glove Side Action. I'd tie a goalie to his posts. And have a bit of fun with him. Bet you didn't know a goalie could be undressed so quickly...

Suitorette Number Three.

Fellas, Suitorette number three is Alix of Humming Giraffe. What do I know about her? She is a sucker for Swedes. And tall, dark Quebecians. So like if a dude was half and half, she might lose her mind. But only if he knew something about hockey.



As you can see, Alix always brings the classy.



Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?

It kind of depends. Did he get totally smoked by a dude that's teeny tiny? If true, then couch for sure. But if he kept up with a dude way bigger/stronger than him, I would probably pull out my nurse outfit.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

Most definitely.


The Staal Question: once you've done one, you've done them all?

Oh yeah. I wouldn't turn one down though. Something about that creepy Aryan/cult like vibe they have going on gets me all hot and bothered.


The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister?

If you made it worth my while, sure.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

False. I couldn't come close, even if I actually worked out.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Both. I don't like to discriminate.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

I'm assuming getting it done with a lady friend, not getting it done with Mario Lemieux? Because ewww. I don't even think lovers of slash fan fic could get into that pairing. But anyways, I say Sid locks the door to the basement at chez Lemieux, pours some Crown Royal in a nice glass, and lets his giant ass do the rest of the work.

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C. Shudder.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________

Sooooo dirty hot.

High heels at games; yes or no

No for me since I'm a complete klutz and would totally fall down the stairs. Other girls can wear them, as long as they're wearing something in real honest to goodness team colours.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Yes. But I get to bitch every time he wears it. And no way in hell is he wearing it in bed.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

A

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

C

If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

I don't think I actually have any Cher in my house. He would totally steal it though if I did.


Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

Ooooh. Right against the wall, fast and furious. Lots of making out. Bonus points if he says it in an accent bursting with French Canadian.


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Of course. No one should go without toys.


I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back

b) Buttery.

[NOTE: I just realized I wrote this a bit late and meant butterfly not buttery. Either way, yum? -WAC.]

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

3 on 1. The hot journalism intern hits the locker room with the team's three tastiest players for an in depth "interview".

Suitorette Number Two

Let’s see… what sexy things can I tell you about myself? Well, cheese and tater tots tie for my favorite foods of all time (Ow ow! Right boys?), and I write Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes. Bloggers, you see, are like when Halloween costumes turn a mundane profession into something that’s hot shit. Just think of me as a journalist, but my business suit happens to be assless and comes with fishnets and tranny make-up.

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?

Eric Godard doesn’t lose fights… that’s how he earned his hockey boyfriendship. But, if for some reason the planets align and he gets a whooping, well, I guess I’ll sit with him while he recovers, but we’re watching all six seasons of sex and the city back to back… and he’s going to like it. Or just develop a drinking problem.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

It depends…does this Segway ride you speak of come with an Ovechkin ride as well?

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

Pretty much true. But if I can give advice on doing them all start with the youngest and work your way up. It will be less disappointing that way.

The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister?

Heyyy, there is two of us (winks)… and some advice on my sister… Fuck with her cat and you don’t have a chance in hell.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

False. I think my entire ass equals about one cheek of Sidney’s. Maybe. On a fat day.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Stiff and straight. Every time. Sidney Crosby also likes his stick stiff and straight. Match made in hockey heaven?

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

I have no plan… except that he’s on top. When Mario Lemieux walks in, it’s going to be his bare ass in the air and not mine.

Pierre McGuire

a) looks like a penis

b) is a penis

c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.

d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

e) All of the above.

The first time I saw him “Oh look… they have a penis wearing a little head set. I wonder why… Oh Jesus make it stop talking…”

Todd Bertuzzi is.... deserving of ass cancer.

High heels at games; yes or no

That’s like asking “Herpes. Yes or No?”

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Only if he grows me a mullet. I have a royal flush of bitch cards on this one.

Don Cherry is....

a. full of shit

b. composed entirely of shit

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he

a) gay

b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.

c) he's only doing it for funsies

If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

Is this the same boyfriend that wants the jersey that I hate? What am I thinking dating this guy? Goddamn I pick winners. That’s it. We’re over. I’m breaking up with him, and you can find me at Club Diesel where I plan to find a drunken Pittsburgh Penguin, knock him out, and drag him home with me caveman style. Max Talbot, I’m talking to you.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

What a coincidence, this is how my hockey porno starts. (see last question) So he says “you wanna go?” and I say “With oat a doat” Foreplay is over when one of use looses balance and we both fall down on the ice. Er, carpet.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Remember the dildos that rained down on the ice in Sweden? All mine. So, yeah. I bring them with me in droves.

What? I have needs…

And really, it’s a nice plan B just incase the date doesn’t work out.

“Right. I’m sorry to hear about your battle with athlete’s foot. You know what? I’m ‘going to the bathroom.’ I’ll be back.. eventually.. “

I like my goalies....

a. standing up

b. buttery

c. hybrid

d. on their back

Standing up before scoring, on his back after.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Five for Fucking. Me, Eric Goddard, the penalty box. The goal sirens go off at an opportune moment. Like the hockey players say, when you’re done, you need those five minutes. My video will be no different.