It's the return of Z Harmony.

We ain't dead! Sorry, Lori and I didn't mean to neglect this. We hope to come at you with a fresh new survey (uhm yeah the Palin question can go...) as well as more content soon. Ushering in the rebirth of Z-Harmony is the one and only, Archimedies. Archi is one of my favorite people, a dapper dresser and a dude who will drink you under the table. Ladies, he is a catch. And he totally doesn't mind shopping. Onto his survey...


Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
I had a chance to nail Elisha Cuthbert, but I didn't do it. Bros before hos, and my allegiance lies with Sean Avery. What the fuck is she doing with DION PHANEUF anyway? That neanderthal? After El Fashionisto? She's an idiot.



True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's. (that's for you, not the ladies)
True and proud. I always buy the proper cut of jeans to show it off.


Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
Flexibility? I work nights, and I write posts about sports, music & mens fashion. Put me down for a 4, physically.


Your stick is: wood or composite
Composite. I can fucking drill a puck with it, but it snaps wayyyyy more often. (I just made every man reading this cringe)


Sarah Palin is...... a. destroying hockey b. using it for political gain c. I'd tap that (note: C will result in application denial)

Who?

Don Cherry is.... a. full of shit b. composed entirely of shit
a. He's full of shit, but there's a good heart underneath.


You like to go: top shelf or five hole
True story: One of the life lessons my Father taught me: "When in doubt, go five-hole."

High heels at games; yes or no
If you look sexy in 'em, hell yes.


Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
Derek Roy? I'm such a good actor, you'll think I'm Rick Jeannerett screaming about Pat Lafontaine. I played Romeo, in Romeo & Juliet off broadway. *way off broadway.... highschool.


My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soff ass. How much do you love me?
Your Dad is unemployed. Let's pretend you used Dan Bylsma. Well, KNOWING that your Father is Dan Bylsma, my first motive is that I MUST outdress him to impress him. I'm going classy all the way on any organized pick up where I'm meeting Daddy Dan. Full suit, for sure. Dinner downtown, and a live show of some sort. I'll make sure to have my shit right with what I'm wearing, and I'll make sure to make a comment about how his tie matches his jacket. He'll appreciate that, because he'll see that I've brought my A-game as well. I'd compliment him on his beautiful house, and tell him that I thought his daughter was amazing. He probably loves compliments. We sharp-dressed men all think alike.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy them the jersey?
I'd buy two jerseys. The first jersey would be a joke jersey. A beautiful display, only on the back would be something negative. A jab at a player, or an inside joke about someone who sucks. After she finished getting upset that I'd buy her a jersey she'd never wear, I'd give her the real jersey of her favourite player. The mock jersey is for me to wear when her team loses and gets eliminated. That way, the rivalry becomes a fun, joking part of our relationship.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Canadian Accent? What're you talking aboot?
Anyway, you wanna go, baby? Lets go. You'd be getting fully jerseyed, for sure. Quickly. In one fell swoop, bra and all.


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
The first date? No. A date? If you want to get freaky baby, I'm game.


A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. She is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. Does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
Yes. Unbelievably unattractive. Being smart and witty is great, but she clearly has no taste. Taste matters.
You're at a hockey game and your team is losing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
I'm going for the handjob.
Why?
a) I don't really know where this ice girl has had her mouth lately. I mean, she offers bjs for nothing.... at hockey games... where she WORKS...
b) Just by the way this question is framed, I'm assuming this ice girl is a little bit out of my league, so I'm going to try and lock this ice girl down. As great as the BJ I would be, it's not nearly as much of a gateway maneuver, especially in a situation like this. That handjob might lead to kissing, which might lead to sex. Bang. She's pregnant, and I'm cruising with my feet up, getting my ends from my Baby Mama Sugar Mama.

Suitor Number Fifteen

Hello ladies. Meet Symo. With such a vast array of subjects on his blog (including sports), Symo can whisper sweetly in your ear about almost anything. He’s the fresh meat in the blogosphere so be sure to check him out nice and hard. 

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

 

Oh good Lord no... they won't return my calls.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's. 

 

False. That's just not feasible.

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

 

4.  Some parts are stiffer than others!

Your stick is: wood or composite

Wood.  Pure, hard, natural wood (baby).

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

(note: C will result in application denial)

d. She's breathing, so technically I'd have to vote c, but I'd shoot myself afterward.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

 

b.  I spoke with his doctor.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

 

Sometimes it won't fit in the 5 hole, so THEN I go top shelf.

High heels at games; yes or no

 

Oh hell yes.  Flats and sandals are for women who don't want to get laid (by men at least).  

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy? 

 

Who do I look like, Michael Caine?  

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soft ass. How much do you love me? 

 

I'm scared of NO man that speaks French.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

 

Absoultely.  See the next answer....

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that. 

 

Nothings hotter than pulling that jersey over her head and _____ (<--- fill in, must start with f) the hell out of her.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

 

If it's Alyssa, then yes.

 

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?

 

No.  Pink jerseys look about the same crumpled up in the corner as a regular jersey.  Makes it easier to find in the morning too.

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

 

Blow me.  You ever see a woman drive a stick shift?  Not many of them are good at THAT (but when they are... ).

 

Bonus Suitorettes: Twofer Edition!

Hello gents. I have a two pack for you. The lovely dames over at Puck Huffers did a joint survey. These ladies know what's up. Yeah and you have to buy dinner for both. Can you handle that?

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?

Neither of us dates a loser. The YouTubes of him being punched repeatedly in the head were obviously illusory. Keep in mind, however, that losing a fight is better than not fighting at all.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

No. If Alex Ovechkin expressed interest in the Segway, it probably has at least 8 secret uses as an instrument of torture and sexual assault. In fact, Ovechkin has made them recognized by law as an accessory to rape in 12 states. We'd be arrested on site.

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

No. Really the only ones we're open to are Jordan and Eric. Jared was drafted by the Coyotes, so we'd protect him from Gretzky in a theoretical shower scene as a matter of principle, but Marc is a Ranger so we really don't want anything to do with him. Really, the Staals are like high school lunches. We're not excited for any of them, but if we're hungry we can find some with redeeming qualities. Our answer to this question obviously has nothing to do with hockey skills.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

It isn't a date until someone breaks out the remote control monster trucks. What kind of dates are you losers going on?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

Zoë desperately wishes her ass looked that good. Kim is too dehydrated to comment.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance?

It depends on how you like to play the puck. Sometimes it's best to use a straight stick and get a fancy play going. Other times, it's best to just shove that shit in and hope you get enough wood on it to succeed. Our pants would make terrible goaltenders.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

Tell Armstrong to shut up because he'll get you two caught. Tell Mario that some children in the Hill District need to be read to for charity, which ought to distract him for several hours. Make sure the bedroom windows are open so no one smells the pot. Eat ten bags of cheesy popcorn while watching Scary Movie 3, cop a feel, make sure there's an old pillowcase nearby in case of an emergency.

Later, open the Post-Gazette and realize that the literacy rate among Hill District elementary school students has increased 150% overnight.

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

All of the above. And also provided the most homoerotic commentary ever during the 2008 draft on Versus. We wouldn't let our kids near him.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________

Someone we haven't thought about in years.

High heels at games; yes or no

High heels are for formal occasions and looking good when you're out and about. Hockey games are about mad skillz, violence, and watching people's lives get ruined. The only reason you might need them is if Talbot yells out the name of the bar everyone's going to after the game and it turns out to be a slightly nicer establishment. But when you're in the arena, wearing heels should be punishable by death. You could also use them to beat the guy in front of you yelling SHOOT THE PUCK if need be, but in that case you're still not wearing them.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

We would only ever date Penguins fans. If a guy wants another team's jersey, he'll have to start looking for new chicks to bang.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

The man who accredited the Penguins' incredible Game 5 SCF win to Gary Roberts because Talbot was sitting next to him on the bench at one point. So we're pretty sure he's full of shit, but a glorious technicolor shit.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

Not only gay, but awesome. We want to be seen in public with him even more.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

Put the Youngblood DVD in and start fucking.

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back

Hopefully all of the above over the course of a two-hour motel stay. We take this opportunity to publicly announce that we'd like John Curry to be involved in this somehow. We'd invite Marc-André but we understand he's busy. Sabu can watch if he doesn't have anything better to do, like play WoW or watch Teletubbies.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Get in My Crease: Three guys park themselves in the blue paint of the opposing goaltender, trying to break a scoreless tie in the final thirty seconds of the game during a power play, with their two best point-men firing shot after sexual shot at the net. After the essential tip-in at 00:12, a ref's call of goaltender interference turns into a bench-clearing brawl. Everyone ends up naked in front of the goal. The ice quality decreases rapidly.

Suitor Number Fourteen

Helllooo ladies. Meet Nicholas from Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies. Now, even though we’re talking mini ponies, Nicholas’s writing is definitely of horse caliber. And, while we’re on the topic of horses, I’m gong to drop a subtle hint and let you guess what he’s hung like…. Enjoy.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease? Hillary Duff once, but then Lohan got mad at me. So Comrie was her backup fling.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's. My ass? Perhaps. Your ass? I'd have to see pictures

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo. Well, this is Z Harmony, so I'm off the charts, baby!

Your stick is: wood or composite. Huh huh...wood.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

(note: C will result in application denial)

 

D. Saving hockey by destroying Philly and Columbus. Can we get her to go to D.C.?

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

 

A piece of shit that wears shit on top of his shit. You follow?

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

 

Why not both? I'm not against having a multi-goal game...ladies...

High heels at games; yes or no Yes, until I broke an ankle trying to get the attention of the beer vendor.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy? Only if my future mate can rival Jarkko Ruutu...I mean...

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soft ass. How much do you love me? I've met Michel. He's taken a look at my soff ass, but never my soft one.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey? Yeah, and then burn it in front of her.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that. I'd say "Yeah, baby," then proceed to get my ass beat down because I misinterpreted the question.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya? Only my Ninja Tutles figurines...wait...wrong toys.

 

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive? YES, but we can work past it.
 

 

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job? As I said before, multi-goal games are my specialty. I'll score more than once.

Suitor Number Thirteen

Ladies, do I have a special treat for you. Meet Scott from the blog TOOAST!!! These boys have alll the bases covered. We're talking NBA, NHL, MLB, NFL, and you better believe that such thoroughness and passion on the blog extends well beyond the bedroom doors. 

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

 

My two closest associations with Elisha Cuthbert are:

 

1. That she was once Sean Avery's receptacle (who hasn't been?) and Avery now lives in Dallas, where I currently reside, where he is rapidly destroying the Stars from within like a runaway cancer.

 

2. The fact that, like our sweet little Ms Cuthbert, I grew up in Calgary, so we have that going for us. Which is nice.

 

Fortunately, I haven't had the privilige of tagging any of these hoo-ers, so no need for a V.D. test.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

 

Wow. Loaded question. It implies that I have taken notice of both your ass - which I have not knowingly ever done - and then compared it to every nubile Canadian and Pittsburghian girl's target rump of Captain Penguin. I'm sure my BMFS, one of my partners at Toooast!!!, would say that Sid's ass is likely slightly bruised and partially swollen from all the over-acted dives he takes. Or was that from the vengeful pounding he gave it while wearing his latest Flyers knock off jersey?

 

So I guess that makes his ass bigger?

 

False.

 

 

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.

 

3. I am as flexible as Terry Crisp.

Your stick is: wood or composite

 

Wood in the morning. A maleable composite during the rest of the day.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

 

D. Going to be made the honorary anthem singer in San Jose so that the Sharks go completely in to the tank (I kill me!) and lose 60 games in a row.

(note: C will result in application denial)


Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

 

c. Akshully he's composed entirely out of partially chewed Timbits. A variety of flavors. Ron MacLean is forced to replenish Cherry in between their on-camera banter.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole

 

Is the five hole between the tits? I'll shoot there.

High heels at games; yes or no

 

Hell ya! Nothing's better than watching some drunken puck slut fall down a flight of stairs after drinking 5 20 oz drafts while trying to get Modano's attention.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?

 

I'm going for broke here. My acting skills rival those of Sidney Crosby! Hoo ah!

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your "soff" ass. How much do you love me?

 

Uh...um...I have a childhood fear of men named Michelle. Don't ask.

 

I run as fast as I can the other way. And I don't love you.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?

 

Fuck. No.

 

Luckily, my "girlfriend " and my "hockey" have never crossed streams.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

 

I tell her, "Come on baby...put down the Molson Ice. We both know it makes you do crazy shit. Ok, that's enough! Stop spitting your chew in my beer! Don't make me tase you!"

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

 

Just my cell phone so I can text other people while she blabs about her sisters or hair school or something. 

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?

 

You didn't mention how hot she is. Assuming she is hot, and there is a possibility of dragging her home and putting the moon boots to her, I'll let the pink jersy slide. Right down on to the floor! Zing!

You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?

 

Blow job! She needs her hands to hold my beers, eh!

Suitor Number Twelve.

Ooo la la, one of the Fox Force Five (ok, fine Melt Your Face Off) boyos took time out of his busy schedule to pencil in some answers...for the ladies. It's the ever elusive Reasonable Doubt.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Very late in the night in a land far, far away, I found myself alone with Ms. Cuthbert. She was cold and wet from the rain, and had been chased by a mountain lion which was inexplicably a couple hundred yards from the suburbs. She was rambling about how her father had died in a nuclear explosion, so I did my best to calm her. I soothed her and stroked her hair until some loud ticking happened, the clock struck nine, and Keifer Sutherland cock-blocked me.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
True. I am reasonably certain Crosby's ass is bigger than any man's on the planet. I could use his pants as a parachute and still have extra fabric to have a douchey bandana.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
7. I have bad knees, but I can reach almost any place I need to hit.

Your stick is: wood or composite
Composite. Wood is too easily cracked, broken, and otherwise mangled. Ask John Wayne Bobbitt.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)

A and B. C. as well, but it would purely be in a grudge-fuck capacity.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

B. But his suits make for excellent trashbags.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Five hole. Any moron can be fanatical about going top-shelf on the goalie of his dreams. Top-shelfs on goalies are nice, but with augmentation and padding placement, going five-hold is one of the true great feelings left in hockey.

High heels at games; yes or no
You can wear high heels, but don't bitch about how long it takes to get back to the seat when you go to the bathroom.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I'm like Chris Pronger. I can blatantly try to injure you and make you believe it's your own fault.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
Enough that I'd fake giving a rat's ass about his baseball career that he gave up for the game.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Of course. And if her favorite minor-leaguer gets drafted, I'd be the first one ordering a pro jersey for her with his name and number.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I'd move around her slowly and surely, dropping my gloves and mask, reach in and pull her close, taking care to slide her sweater over her head all in one smooth motion. I'd soften her up with some blows to the head before I went to work on her midsection. I'm reckless with the way I land my hits. She'll go down first, but I'll go down longest.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Depends, you gonna take my quarter?

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
A bit, but not as much as a pink hat would.

Suitor Number Ten.

Girlies, I have a treat for you. The ever foxy Turd Ferguson filled out a profile. Don't let the name fool. Homeboy is a hottie. Admit it, you'd let him unzip your dress.

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
Hilary Duff is a gold-digger and I wouldn't touch Elisha Cuthbert because she annoyed me in 24 (it didn't exactly help that I was playing Resident Evil 4 around the same time I was really into that show, and there's a female character in that game who's a lot like her, so every time I see her I just think of the girl in that game screeching "LEEEEOOOONNNN! HEEELLLLPPPP!"). As for Alyssa Milano, let's put it this way: Rose McGowan made Charmed watchable in my eyes. The woman who ruined Carl Pavano's career, though, doesn't.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Maybe. It's smaller than Jaromir Jagr's, though.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
3, which I think registers a Carlo Colaicovo.

Your stick is: wood or composite
At one time, I was so old-school that I did a Bobby Orr tape job on my stick, so it has to be wood.

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)
I'll go off the board and select D, "the reason why the Blues went down the shitter".

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
B, mostly because nothing human could make his lovely suits.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Ooh, a tough one. Going upstairs is always fun, especially when you knock the Gatorade bottle off. But in my time I've gone between the pads a lot more.

High heels at games; yes or no
Only if the game was preceded by dinner at a place where one needs to dress up.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
They're better than Colby Armstrong's acting chops, that's for sure.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
Oh. (If your dad was Claude Julien, though, that's a whole 'nother story.)

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Probably, but if she wants to wear a jersey at breakfast I'd slip one that I like better over it while she's in the bathroom.

Your girlfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Drop those gloves, baby.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
No, because you're stupid when you do that. Just some English pig with no brains.

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
Not necessarily. If she was only wearing the pink jersey because her regular one was in the wash, it'd be acceptable. But only under those conditions.

Suitor Number Eleven.

You thought we were done with this madness? Babycakes, we are just getting started. I mean, Z Harmony is a very successful site that has resulted in 7,346 marriages in the past year. Ok I totally made that number up. Next up for you girlies is FirstDerivative. Check out this sweet action...

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
True, but I also bitch as much to the officials.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
2, somewhere around Kevin Weeks or Marty after the all you can eat chinese buffet.

Your stick is: wood or composite
bananna hooked

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)

d) Think Mystery, Alaska is based on a true story.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
a.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
One-Timers

High heels at games; yes or no
Sean Avery thinks so.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
With my girlfriend I'll throw on the Claude Lemieux jersey and take a dive.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
It's not you it's me....

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Trick question, I'd never date an Islander fan.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
"Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Yes, I carry my stick everywhere, what are you talking about?

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. But you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
I'd me more amazed there was a pink hockey jersey made.

Suitor Number Nine.

Ladies, I found a man for you. You chicks have been fantastic, putting all the work in. And a few dudes showed up. Well more like I had to knock on some doors and be like, "Yo fill this out, ok?" And Puck one of the Melo admins decided he was down.



Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
All I have to say on the subject: Captivity, Embrace the Vampire, and not on your life.
Now, could you pass over Showgirls, I'm more on a Jessie Spano kick right now.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Of course my ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's! It doesn't get paid millions to be Mario's bitch.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
I rate my flexibility a 6, it's totally Mikael Tellqvist. You know I talk a good game, but no one comes to see me in Phoenix.

Your stick is: wood or composite
It's so Wood, baby!

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that
(note: C will result in application denial)
C. I'm looking to finance a Sarah Palin/Tina Fey as Sarah Palin bondage film where they play twins.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
c, composed of entirely space shit that comes from a planet we haven't discovered yet, but they're watching us. Don Cherry is just in our face to see if anyone calls him on it.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
Always go five hole, well, my dad used to say "always go glory hole," but that's for another summer camp survey I'm filling out.

High heels at games; yes or no
God no. If you fall while going up and down the stairs, I will probably laugh at you or chant "man down people!"

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
I think I've got Gordon Bombay acting chops. Seriously, that was the world's weakest stick-to-the-knee action and he went down like a blonde in a porno. Only to get up, hang out with the school teacher and beat Iceland all in the same day.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your 'soff' ass. How much do you love me?
So Therrien, I'm only playing for Ron Wilson this year.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for her birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy her the jersey?
Yes, but I get to play the elusive "I get a threesome" card whenever I want that season. Repeat usage of the card will be determined by team and player and if you actually wear it out in public.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if 'you wanna go? you wanna go' in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I nod slowly. We head for the door. I throw her an open ice check. She gets up. We fall madly in love while Foreigner is playing in the background. It was so meant to be.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Why not? I always wrap my hands in foil before I go out anyways.

A woman is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she knows just about everything about hockey. She is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
The pink jersey is the skeleton in her closet. I would generally offset the knowledge by singing Ace of Base. Because, really, it IS a beautiful life if you just seize the day.

You're at a hockey game and your team is losing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
Does she have a beer? I could totally use a beer at this point in the proceedings.

Suitorette Number Eight.

Well boys, aren't you in luck. The suitorettes just keep pouring in but you know, you need to apply as well. Z Harmony believes you don't find your love match unless you put yourself out there. Today we have the famous Sherry of Scarlett Ice


I'd think twice before crossing her.

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
Aw, hun. He wouldn't even be my hockey boyfriend if he lost a fight.
But, hypothetically I'd nurse him back to health...and then couch.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

Segway or no way, that's what I say.

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

With all due respect to the Staals, DO NOT WANT.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Of course.
You do mean pepper spray, don't you?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

Sigh. If only.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Whichever one gets the job done.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

If Sidney Crosby can't get it done, there is no hope for the rest of the male species, is there?

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C and D at the same time. Although I would also accept E: A low-rent version of Tobias Funke.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________
Getting me points in my pool so I will not say anything bad about him until that changes.

High heels at games; yes or no

The only excuse you have for wearing heels more than an inch at a hockey game is if you just came from the opera or something.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Why would my boyfriend cheer for a team I hated? How did he become my boyfriend in the first place? Was I drunk? Does not compute.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

A, but I have to add that I think he's all sorts of awesome at the same time for that exact reason.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies


If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

Don't own any Cher CDs, thankfully. I'd hope it's c) but if it's b), I just might have to kick his ass. And make him watch "What Not to Wear" with me. Which might conversely turn him into a). Huh.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

"Where are we going?" *Bambi Eyes*

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back

...I totally thought b. said "Butterfly" and I though nothing of it...very tricky you guys.
I like my goalies. Period.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Well, "Through the Five-Hole" always made me a giggle.