Suitorette Number Eight.

Well boys, aren't you in luck. The suitorettes just keep pouring in but you know, you need to apply as well. Z Harmony believes you don't find your love match unless you put yourself out there. Today we have the famous Sherry of Scarlett Ice


I'd think twice before crossing her.

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
Aw, hun. He wouldn't even be my hockey boyfriend if he lost a fight.
But, hypothetically I'd nurse him back to health...and then couch.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

Segway or no way, that's what I say.

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

With all due respect to the Staals, DO NOT WANT.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Of course.
You do mean pepper spray, don't you?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

Sigh. If only.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Whichever one gets the job done.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

If Sidney Crosby can't get it done, there is no hope for the rest of the male species, is there?

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C and D at the same time. Although I would also accept E: A low-rent version of Tobias Funke.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________
Getting me points in my pool so I will not say anything bad about him until that changes.

High heels at games; yes or no

The only excuse you have for wearing heels more than an inch at a hockey game is if you just came from the opera or something.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Why would my boyfriend cheer for a team I hated? How did he become my boyfriend in the first place? Was I drunk? Does not compute.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

A, but I have to add that I think he's all sorts of awesome at the same time for that exact reason.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies


If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

Don't own any Cher CDs, thankfully. I'd hope it's c) but if it's b), I just might have to kick his ass. And make him watch "What Not to Wear" with me. Which might conversely turn him into a). Huh.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

"Where are we going?" *Bambi Eyes*

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back

...I totally thought b. said "Butterfly" and I though nothing of it...very tricky you guys.
I like my goalies. Period.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Well, "Through the Five-Hole" always made me a giggle.

Suitorette Number Seven.

Yo wassup babies? The ever so fab Dani of Sabre Kallisions filled this out to see what suitors it will land her. I am not going to lie, she totes loves her Sabres. And I think she is facebook friends with a few of them. So good luck boyos.



I am so jealous of her blond hair. The R stands for "rad".

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
He sleeps on the couch. WTF, dude? How will you protect me from the crazy people? You’re supposed to be a hockey player. Sigh.
/shakes head

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
I’ve never ridden one. Ovietime should sponsor me for charity.

The Staal Question: once you've done one, you've done them all?
Never a Staal. Neverrrrrrrr. Maybe, MAYBE if they have a pillow fight.

The Slap Shot Question: On a date would you "bring your fucken toys with ya"?
Yeah! Something's gotta keep him out of the penalty box, you know?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
False. No one’s booty is bigger than the Chops... even Andrew Peters pre-Jenny Craig wasn’t that gigantic.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance
I’m all for the wood, baby.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Parents love me! I don’t need a plan.

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C, Señor.

Todd Bertuzzi is hot. I said it.

High heels at games; yes or no
Nay. I wouldn’t be caught dead in heels at the HSBC (unless it was for an event which requires me to dress for “business” attire).

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday but you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
If that’s what he wants… I’m too nice, I guess.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
A, I’m at a loss for witty comments. Cherry has that effect on me.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday, is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

I choose A if: he’s Derek Roy.
I choose B if: he’s Tim Connolly.
I choose C if: he’s Paul Gaustad.

If you're pondering a, then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?
Derek? Give back my Cher CD? Ha ha haaaaaa. Wait, why do I have a Cher CD?

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
I’ll pull his shit over his head and blow his friggin’ mind.

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back
[note: I sent Dani the version with the buttery goalie typo. -WAC]

B, buttery goalies sound amazing. POKE CHECK.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn name be and what would the set up be?
Holly Wood. Oh, I think you know my set up…

Suitorette Number Six.

Oh heyyyyyy boys. The lovely "dave schultz" took her time to fill out the survey. Schultzie my WHL friendlet. Well, maybe frenemy? She loves the Ams and I love my Chiefs but we don't get into like jell-o wrestling matches over the rivalry. Check check check it out.


Schultzie, as pictured grabbing Eric Staal's ass.


Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
I nurse him back to health, cuddling him close to my bosom, where he can rest his noggin. or whatever else needs rubbing.


The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
Depends on if we're talking about actual Segways (no) or some double entendre (then yes)


The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?
hmm. This seems like a theory that should be tested. By me. Repeatedly.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
YES. Yay toys!

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
uh, true? I haven't measured his ass. Another test I'd be willing to partake in.


I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance
Is this a true/false questions? TRUE. With the caveat that those composites tend to shatter and I don't need anything shattering when going for a 5-hole or top shelf shot.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Not clear who I'm supposed to be seducing here, Mario or Sid, I'm gonna say Sid. Lots of booze. After the booze was flowing I'd swoop in for the BJ action, it's kinda my specialty.


Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."
e--he's a penislooking penis that makes me want to throw up while I'm punching babies and kicking puppies.



Todd Bertuzzi is... fucking scary. I would not hit that. Even with the lights out.


High heels at games; yes or no not on me.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
no way, I'm too selfish and broke to spend money that I don't have on a team I hate. If he doesn't get that, I shouldn't be dating him. If I cave and get him the sweater, he can wear it only in bed because it would make me angry and rough, angry sex is ggrrrrawr!!



Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
Absolutely fucking batshit crazy. I tune in every week just for a dose of insanity. It's fascinating. And since I don't take him serious, it's all good. He can spew his crazy xenophobe talk all he wants, he's a windbag. But hockey wouldn't be the same without him.



Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies

If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?
Really excited for Halloween I hope. so I guess C. Or to see if I can break previous records of stripping him nekked and thowing him down.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Throw him down hard and fuck him till we're both comatose. Or something along those lines. And the fact he's Canadian? That earns him waffles in the morning. Extra syrup if he's lucky.


I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back
Depends on what I'm in the mood for, I like to mix things up. If you want more details, drop me an email. ;)

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?
"Odd-man rush". It would include me at and at least 2 Staals, preferably Erik and Marc. But I wouldn't turn Jordan away.

Suitorette Number Four.

Oh hi. I am Wrap. I run a cute little blog called Wrap Around Curl where I write about my Memorial Cup fumbling Spokane Chiefs and my pretty pretty goalie among topics. What can I say about myself that you haven't already picked up on my site? There is my unending fascination with America's Next Top Model and my love for the Wu Tang Clan. I adore my bloggers and all the collaborations. Which makes me like the Puff Daddy of hockey blogging I think...My theory is if I write enough about Sean Avery one of these days he will call me and we will go shopping at Dior and then have some furious wrestling in the sheets. It's the best of all possible worlds, really.





Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
If I know he should have won? Couch city for a three night minimum. But if he was mauled I will put on my nurse dress and take his temperature.


The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
Who doesn't like rides on Segways? Terrorists. That's who.

The Staal Question: once you've done one, you've done them all?
They don't do it for me. I don't know why. But looking at their pictures, some are more unfortunate looking than others. Which is the Hurricane one? He will do. I wouldn't take my panties off for the other two.


The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister?
Ok I totally worded this question wrong. Serves me right for late night blogging. I might cheat on you with your foxier brother. Shit where the fuck was I going with this question?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
I have a whole lot of ass for a white girl.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance
I like whatever stick is going to get the game winner.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Dude, you are Sidney fucken Crosby. Get a hotel room Hockey Jesus. Or man up and get your own digs. Shit how much are you getting paid?



Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

C then D

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________
a wanking fuckwit. Who sorta looks like a date rapist to me.

High heels at games; yes or no
I'm a classy dame. But at hockey games I tend to be a salty broad, so I rock some Adidas kicks. Besides, this one time at a hockey game I saw a chick in high heels slip in some mustard. Then she popped out of her low cut shirt. I laughed. It was like Christmas.


Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
Yes, because it should score me numerous imaginary points in the future that can be redeemed for shiny pretties.



Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
B. With a fake tan to rival Paris Hilton.



Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies



If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?
I hope it's C. I don't own any Cher. I own plenty of Madonna. For seriously Ray of Light is an amazing album.


Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

"Yeah, right now." Then I grab his hoodie and start Boogaarding him. And then I am on top of him. Removing said hoodie.


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
Always.

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back

Whatever position keeps their saves percentage highest. They can be on their back after the game.


Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?
Glove Side Action. I'd tie a goalie to his posts. And have a bit of fun with him. Bet you didn't know a goalie could be undressed so quickly...

Suitorette Number Two

Let’s see… what sexy things can I tell you about myself? Well, cheese and tater tots tie for my favorite foods of all time (Ow ow! Right boys?), and I write Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes. Bloggers, you see, are like when Halloween costumes turn a mundane profession into something that’s hot shit. Just think of me as a journalist, but my business suit happens to be assless and comes with fishnets and tranny make-up.

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?

Eric Godard doesn’t lose fights… that’s how he earned his hockey boyfriendship. But, if for some reason the planets align and he gets a whooping, well, I guess I’ll sit with him while he recovers, but we’re watching all six seasons of sex and the city back to back… and he’s going to like it. Or just develop a drinking problem.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?

It depends…does this Segway ride you speak of come with an Ovechkin ride as well?

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?

Pretty much true. But if I can give advice on doing them all start with the youngest and work your way up. It will be less disappointing that way.

The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister?

Heyyy, there is two of us (winks)… and some advice on my sister… Fuck with her cat and you don’t have a chance in hell.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.

False. I think my entire ass equals about one cheek of Sidney’s. Maybe. On a fat day.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance

Stiff and straight. Every time. Sidney Crosby also likes his stick stiff and straight. Match made in hockey heaven?

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.

I have no plan… except that he’s on top. When Mario Lemieux walks in, it’s going to be his bare ass in the air and not mine.

Pierre McGuire

a) looks like a penis

b) is a penis

c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.

d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

e) All of the above.

The first time I saw him “Oh look… they have a penis wearing a little head set. I wonder why… Oh Jesus make it stop talking…”

Todd Bertuzzi is.... deserving of ass cancer.

High heels at games; yes or no

That’s like asking “Herpes. Yes or No?”

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?

Only if he grows me a mullet. I have a royal flush of bitch cards on this one.

Don Cherry is....

a. full of shit

b. composed entirely of shit

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he

a) gay

b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.

c) he's only doing it for funsies

If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month?

Is this the same boyfriend that wants the jersey that I hate? What am I thinking dating this guy? Goddamn I pick winners. That’s it. We’re over. I’m breaking up with him, and you can find me at Club Diesel where I plan to find a drunken Pittsburgh Penguin, knock him out, and drag him home with me caveman style. Max Talbot, I’m talking to you.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.

What a coincidence, this is how my hockey porno starts. (see last question) So he says “you wanna go?” and I say “With oat a doat” Foreplay is over when one of use looses balance and we both fall down on the ice. Er, carpet.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?

Remember the dildos that rained down on the ice in Sweden? All mine. So, yeah. I bring them with me in droves.

What? I have needs…

And really, it’s a nice plan B just incase the date doesn’t work out.

“Right. I’m sorry to hear about your battle with athlete’s foot. You know what? I’m ‘going to the bathroom.’ I’ll be back.. eventually.. “

I like my goalies....

a. standing up

b. buttery

c. hybrid

d. on their back

Standing up before scoring, on his back after.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Five for Fucking. Me, Eric Goddard, the penalty box. The goal sirens go off at an opportune moment. Like the hockey players say, when you’re done, you need those five minutes. My video will be no different.

Suitorette Number One.

All right gents, here is your chance to peek into the mind of Loser Domi. Domi is good with the words putting her beloved Maple Leafs in madcap adventures. I think that is what the kids are calling it these days. Can you win her over? Or does her heart belong to Matt Stajan?


Domi's the one on the right, naturally.



Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health? Is he badly injured? Did he hurt the other guy as well? Was he a large man taking on a tiny rookie? These factors come into play.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways? Only if they have flames on the sides

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all? I'd feel awkward doing more than one--afraid I'd yell out another one's name or something (assuming they could do that)

The Brodeur question: would you cheat on me with my sister? She doesn't really like hockey so I'd assume no

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.I'm a twig, so false

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance. They say variety is the spice of life...

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD. I'm not sure how to answer this question. Get it done with Mario Lemieux? Ewwwww. Besides, everyone knows you get the hot bitches with Oreos, Wine collers and Superbad, not champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.


Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."
e) looks like a turtle
E, looks like a turtle.

Todd Bertuzzi is....GOING TO EAT ME AHHHHH! SAVE ME!

High heels at games; yes or no. Maybe. Depends where you're sitting. Maybe lower heels (1-3 inch), to give lift without looking like a total whore

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey? I buy him a Ron Popeill food dehydrator! Those things are awesome!


Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
A, full of shit

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies


If you're pondering a) then has he given back the Cher CD that he "borrowed" last month? I don't even own a Cher CD, so I'm assuming it's his


Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that. By Canadian, you don't mean Quebecois, do you? that's just a total turn off for me. I'd probbaly ask "uhhhh...go where?"

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya? My fucking toys or my normal toys? I may not bring them on a dtae but to a game...maybe


I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. buttery
c. hybrid
d. on their back
C, hybrid

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?
Oh Gods, there are so many possibilities here....my brain's on Three Stooges mode...DICK JOKE