Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bonus Suitorettes: Twofer Edition!

Hello gents. I have a two pack for you. The lovely dames over at Puck Huffers did a joint survey. These ladies know what's up. Yeah and you have to buy dinner for both. Can you handle that?

Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
Neither of us dates a loser. The YouTubes of him being punched repeatedly in the head were obviously illusory. Keep in mind, however, that losing a fight is better than not fighting at all.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
No. If Alex Ovechkin expressed interest in the Segway, it probably has at least 8 secret uses as an instrument of torture and sexual assault. In fact, Ovechkin has made them recognized by law as an accessory to rape in 12 states. We'd be arrested on site.

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?
No. Really the only ones we're open to are Jordan and Eric. Jared was drafted by the Coyotes, so we'd protect him from Gretzky in a theoretical shower scene as a matter of principle, but Marc is a Ranger so we really don't want anything to do with him. Really, the Staals are like high school lunches. We're not excited for any of them, but if we're hungry we can find some with redeeming qualities. Our answer to this question obviously has nothing to do with hockey skills.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
It isn't a date until someone breaks out the remote control monster trucks. What kind of dates are you losers going on?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Zoë desperately wishes her ass looked that good. Kim is too dehydrated to comment.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance?
It depends on how you like to play the puck. Sometimes it's best to use a straight stick and get a fancy play going. Other times, it's best to just shove that shit in and hope you get enough wood on it to succeed. Our pants would make terrible goaltenders.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Tell Armstrong to shut up because he'll get you two caught. Tell Mario that some children in the Hill District need to be read to for charity, which ought to distract him for several hours. Make sure the bedroom windows are open so no one smells the pot. Eat ten bags of cheesy popcorn while watching Scary Movie 3, cop a feel, make sure there's an old pillowcase nearby in case of an emergency.

Later, open the Post-Gazette and realize that the literacy rate among Hill District elementary school students has increased 150% overnight.

Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

All of the above. And also provided the most homoerotic commentary ever during the 2008 draft on Versus. We wouldn't let our kids near him.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________
Someone we haven't thought about in years.

High heels at games; yes or no
High heels are for formal occasions and looking good when you're out and about. Hockey games are about mad skillz, violence, and watching people's lives get ruined. The only reason you might need them is if Talbot yells out the name of the bar everyone's going to after the game and it turns out to be a slightly nicer establishment. But when you're in the arena, wearing heels should be punishable by death. You could also use them to beat the guy in front of you yelling SHOOT THE PUCK if need be, but in that case you're still not wearing them.

Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
We would only ever date Penguins fans. If a guy wants another team's jersey, he'll have to start looking for new chicks to bang.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

The man who accredited the Penguins' incredible Game 5 SCF win to Gary Roberts because Talbot was sitting next to him on the bench at one point. So we're pretty sure he's full of shit, but a glorious technicolor shit.

Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies
Not only gay, but awesome. We want to be seen in public with him even more.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Put the Youngblood DVD in and start fucking.

I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back
Hopefully all of the above over the course of a two-hour motel stay. We take this opportunity to publicly announce that we'd like John Curry to be involved in this somehow. We'd invite Marc-André but we understand he's busy. Sabu can watch if he doesn't have anything better to do, like play WoW or watch Teletubbies.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Get in My Crease: Three guys park themselves in the blue paint of the opposing goaltender, trying to break a scoreless tie in the final thirty seconds of the game during a power play, with their two best point-men firing shot after sexual shot at the net. After the essential tip-in at 00:12, a ref's call of goaltender interference turns into a bench-clearing brawl. Everyone ends up naked in front of the goal. The ice quality decreases rapidly.


Rage said...

Reading that was like seeing your kinda hot sister in a porno movie...



Kimberlass said...

Rage....weirdest comment ever.

I am not even sure what that could mean.

Rage said...

I think I should have said kinda hot step-sister instead...it was kinda like hearing your parents dirty talk, just not quite that bad, but I couldn't say like seeing your best friend's kinda hot sister in a porno movie, because (of course) THAT would just be awesome.

To break it down all tele-tubbies like, I think you're kinda hot, but never thought of you in a gangbang in front of a crease in goalie gear (on ice, no less)or fucking in the warm glow of a movie starring Rob Lowe.(ewwwwwww)
Izzat any better?

Kimberlass said...

Aww, Rage, that's so sweet. We think we're kinda hot too.

But we can definitely see gangbanging in the crease and fucking Canadians in the warm glow of what we primarily consider to be a Patrick Swayze movie.

You just have to think a little harder.

Rage said...

Goddamit, Kimberlass... now you are in the perpetual 8 mm 70s porno loop in my head and you RILLY don't wanna know what yer doin....gawd help me if i ever see a pic of debrisslide too. Jeebus H. Hopped Up Christ I'll bear yer chirruns...but wait....

which of you two will wear the strap-on for Patrick?

debrisslide said...

The fact that I choose to have a blogger profile pic of Matt Cooke destroying Alfredsson shouldn't have anything to do with mental porno.

You usually choose an avatar of Jesus. Imagine the effects it's having on OUR mental porno. Good Lord.

Rage said...

Good indeed....

Jesus says HELLZYEAH and hey.....

Actually, I am not TRYING to put either of you in the mental porno, and while I dig Matt Cooke(no homo)I def don't want him in there either

and now that i really think about it, isn't a pic of anybody destroying alfredsson considered pornographic goodness?