Tuesday, May 5, 2009

It's the return of Z Harmony.

We ain't dead! Sorry, Lori and I didn't mean to neglect this. We hope to come at you with a fresh new survey (uhm yeah the Palin question can go...) as well as more content soon. Ushering in the rebirth of Z-Harmony is the one and only, Archimedies. Archi is one of my favorite people, a dapper dresser and a dude who will drink you under the table. Ladies, he is a catch. And he totally doesn't mind shopping. Onto his survey...

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?

I had a chance to nail Elisha Cuthbert, but I didn't do it. Bros before hos, and my allegiance lies with Sean Avery. What the fuck is she doing with DION PHANEUF anyway? That neanderthal? After El Fashionisto? She's an idiot.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's. (that's for you, not the ladies)
True and proud. I always buy the proper cut of jeans to show it off.

Rate your flexibility on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
Flexibility? I work nights, and I write posts about sports, music & mens fashion. Put me down for a 4, physically.

Your stick is: wood or composite
Composite. I can fucking drill a puck with it, but it snaps wayyyyy more often. (I just made every man reading this cringe)

Sarah Palin is...... a. destroying hockey b. using it for political gain c. I'd tap that (note: C will result in application denial)


Don Cherry is.... a. full of shit b. composed entirely of shit
a. He's full of shit, but there's a good heart underneath.

You like to go: top shelf or five hole
True story: One of the life lessons my Father taught me: "When in doubt, go five-hole."

High heels at games; yes or no
If you look sexy in 'em, hell yes.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy?
Derek Roy? I'm such a good actor, you'll think I'm Rick Jeannerett screaming about Pat Lafontaine. I played Romeo, in Romeo & Juliet off broadway. *way off broadway.... highschool.

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soff ass. How much do you love me?
Your Dad is unemployed. Let's pretend you used Dan Bylsma. Well, KNOWING that your Father is Dan Bylsma, my first motive is that I MUST outdress him to impress him. I'm going classy all the way on any organized pick up where I'm meeting Daddy Dan. Full suit, for sure. Dinner downtown, and a live show of some sort. I'll make sure to have my shit right with what I'm wearing, and I'll make sure to make a comment about how his tie matches his jacket. He'll appreciate that, because he'll see that I've brought my A-game as well. I'd compliment him on his beautiful house, and tell him that I thought his daughter was amazing. He probably loves compliments. We sharp-dressed men all think alike.

Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that she wants. Do you still buy them the jersey?
I'd buy two jerseys. The first jersey would be a joke jersey. A beautiful display, only on the back would be something negative. A jab at a player, or an inside joke about someone who sucks. After she finished getting upset that I'd buy her a jersey she'd never wear, I'd give her the real jersey of her favourite player. The mock jersey is for me to wear when her team loses and gets eliminated. That way, the rivalry becomes a fun, joking part of our relationship.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick Canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Canadian Accent? What're you talking aboot?
Anyway, you wanna go, baby? Lets go. You'd be getting fully jerseyed, for sure. Quickly. In one fell swoop, bra and all.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
The first date? No. A date? If you want to get freaky baby, I'm game.

A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. She is smart, witty, can rattle off Stanley cup teams from years ago. Does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
Yes. Unbelievably unattractive. Being smart and witty is great, but she clearly has no taste. Taste matters.
You're at a hockey game and your team is losing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
I'm going for the handjob.
a) I don't really know where this ice girl has had her mouth lately. I mean, she offers bjs for nothing.... at hockey games... where she WORKS...
b) Just by the way this question is framed, I'm assuming this ice girl is a little bit out of my league, so I'm going to try and lock this ice girl down. As great as the BJ I would be, it's not nearly as much of a gateway maneuver, especially in a situation like this. That handjob might lead to kissing, which might lead to sex. Bang. She's pregnant, and I'm cruising with my feet up, getting my ends from my Baby Mama Sugar Mama.


"Dave Schultz" said...

Nice Arch! RAWR!

eyebleaf said...

Archi and I live on the same street. Clearly, we both have good taste. He's a rudey.

Vern said...

Oh snap, it's back!

kristin said...

oh this was brilliant!

so glad you're updating over here again!

Vern said...

Ok it's not actually back!